My Takeaways from the Spiritual Experiences of a Lifelong Monk 2024

Sacinandana Swami has kindly been sharing spiritual wisdom with the Upbuild community every April and May for the past few years through the medium of personal storytelling and Q&A. He recently completed his second series of “Spiritual Experiences of a Lifelong Monk” after having spoken with us about his near-death experiences (all of which were also spiritual experiences) in 2021 and 2022. All of these “episodes” are available here and here so you can watch all that you may have missed and rewatch them again and again to immerse yourself further in the wisdom Sacinandana Swami has shared. 

After the last episode a couple of weeks ago, Michael noticed that I had been taking a lot of notes and asked me if I would share my takeaways from Sacinandana Swami’s 2024 series with our community. I was inspired by his request, so here we are. (For clarity, I won’t be retelling or summarizing the adventurous stories Sacinandana Swami shared with us, which I would encourage you to hear directly from the source himself at the links above, but my intent is to crystallize my takeaways from this year’s series on the “Spiritual Experiences of a Lifelong Monk” that are directly applicable to my life and hopefully to yours as well.)

“Stories are told to children so that they can go to sleep, and stories are told to grownups so that they can wake up!”

Sacinandana Swami shared this aphorism at a retreat Michael and I attended with him in Rishikesh, India in October 2023, it immediately resonated with everyone, and it’s the perfect frame through which to view the stories he’s been telling us about his experiences. He is trying to wake us up! Wake us up to the spiritual reality. And take concrete steps so that we may have our own such spiritual experiences. I find it beneficial and inspiring to view Sacinandana Swami’s storytelling in this regard.

April 10, 2024 – Divine Reciprocation

Now, for my takeaways. In his first episode this year, on April 10th, Sacinandana Swami shared the idea of “divine reciprocation.” That what you look for, looks for you. So, one’s ability to experience a divine presence is directly related to one’s search for it. And what gets in the way? Our egos. Sacinandana Swami shared a quote: “The intelligent man who is proud of his intelligence is like the condemned man who is proud of his large cell.” How is our pride keeping us imprisoned in the large cell of our material existence?

In response to Michael’s question about how we know something has come from God (as opposed to a mental concoction), Sacinandana Swami shared three parameters:

1. Parisanu – a direct experience where you see the Lord or the Lord’s hands (not necessarily in the form of hands, but his arrangements)

2. Bhava – a certain feeling that accompanies the experience of being touched by divinity, which is so palpable and so different than being touched by anything else

3. Vairagya – a healthy state of detachment from material life when you have such an experience

Sacinandana Swami then shared that the ultimate indication that something has come from God is that it always has a very transformative effect on the person who experiences it. In Sacinandana Swami’s case, the story he shared about surviving a near-death experience and seeing the hand of God in that experience made him very fearless in his life, and that fearlessness is still with him. As Sacinandana Swami concluded, “A spiritual experience at its core is about the transformation of consciousness.”

In answering a question Sacinandana Swami offered one more insight for those seeking our own spiritual experiences, encouraging us to spend more time in solitude: “Divine experiences happen when you have time alone with God.”

April 17, 2024 – Genuine Spiritual Experience

In his second episode this year, on April 17th, Sacinandana Swami opened with the question: “What is a genuine spiritual experience?” 

He offered four characteristics from his experience:

1. It defies expression by words; it must be experienced

2. It has a noetic quality (an inner knowing, a direct knowing, that this is true, this experience is real)

3. It is short, but you remember it

4. It happens to you; you don’t make it happen (“you become a receiver, not an achiever”)

Sacinandana Swami shared a beautiful parable to illustrate this fourth point and the importance of preparing oneself to receive:

• A monk asked his spiritual master, “What can I do to be enlightened?”

• “As much as you can do to make the sun rise.”

• “But then why are you giving me all of these spiritual practices?”

• “I’m giving you these practices so that when the sun rises, you will be awake for it.”

In response to a question about what to do when our spiritual practices go through a “dry” phase (and we feel demotivated), Sacinandana Swami encouraged us to give up control. We’re so conditioned to think in terms of cause and effect, but that’s not how “the traffic rules of the spiritual world” work. He shared that spiritual practices usually go through three phases:

1. Get familiar

2. Work harder

3. Give up control

Finally, in response to another question about how not to get attached to admiration of others, Sacinandana Swami shared another important aphorism: “Praise is like a cup of nectar when given to one’s teacher, and like a cup of poison when drunk oneself.” Pass the admiration on. Acknowledge what you’ve been given. And recognize the giver. 

April 24, 2024 – Blessings of Saints

In his third episode this year, on April 24th, Sacinandana Swami shared that we are often good at knowing what to do, but bad at doing it. There’s a disconnect between what we know and what we do. But the powerful blessings of saints can actually help us close that gap.

He shared three ways to receive the blessings of saints:

1. Offer our services to them

2. Put relevant inquiries before them

3. Cultivate a general attitude of submission and wanting to learn from them

Now, what if you don’t know any saints? I think if you seek people with genuine spiritual knowledge and experience, they will introduce you to saints. And if that feels intimidating, you can start by reading about the lives of saints with an attitude of wanting to learn from them, and put your inquiries before them in your mind’s eye and see what you receive over time.

The sacred Vedic text, the Srimad Bhagavatam, consists of 12 books and 18,000 verses, and there is only one verse that is repeated verbatim. That verse’s translation: “Even a moment’s association with a pure devotee [of the Lord] (a saintly person, in other words) cannot be compared to the attainment of heavenly planets or liberation from matter, what to speak of worldly benedictions in the form of material prosperity; association with pure devotees is the highest benediction.” 

So, find those saintly people and associate with them. Even a moment with such a person can change your life.

May 1, 2024 – Not a Spectator Sport

In his fourth episode this year, on May 1st, Sacinandana Swami opened with the declaration: “Spiritual life should not be a spectator sport. We must make an experience of it.” The whole series has been attempting to wake us up to the need for us all to cultivate our own spiritual experiences. And as Sacinandana Swami has made clear, we must be active in the process.

In this episode, Sacinandana Swami shared what he called “his most transformative spiritual experience,” which happened in Tibet while circumnavigating Mount Kailash. I won’t retell the story which you can watch here, but a couple of sentences in particular struck me. Sacinandana Swami said, “I was filling myself with the admiration of others. I was committing the cardinal mistake of inflating myself.” I wrote down these sentences because of how often I do this myself. Fill myself with the admiration of others. Make the mistake of inflating myself, inflating my ego. And how strong Sacinandana Swami’s language was in calling it “the cardinal mistake.” It made me realize that I treat this mistake in myself way too casually.

For Sacinandana Swami, this cardinal mistake led to an experience that made it clear to him that he is not his body nor his mind. It was such a profound experience that he would never make the same mistake again. And he posed a question for us to contemplate: “What if it is true that you are not the body?” And later during the Q&A, another related question: “Who are you when everything that is not you falls away?” One could spend their entire life pondering these two questions alone, and it would be completely worth the discovery.

Later in the episode, Sacinandana Swami shared three reasons why people don’t experience spiritual growth:

1. They’re too busy

2. They’re too proud

3. They’re too complacent

What is your reason?

Sacinandana Swami also made the following comment about balance: “Your life is out of balance when you suddenly find yourself with free time and you don’t know what to do with it.” He was asked for his guidance by someone for whom this was true, and he said you need a prayojana — an ultimate spiritual goal. When we have an ultimate spiritual goal, we’ll have a long list of To Do’s in service of that goal, and whenever we have free time, we’ll be enthusiastic to tick through our list and make progress on our goal.

May 8, 2024 – Q&A

The fifth and final episode this year was dedicated to Q&A with Sacinandana Swami. He opened by revealing that “Spiritual experiences can be had by everyone. You simply have to look again with the eyes of spiritual knowledge.” And how do we look with the eyes of spiritual knowledge? Sacinandana Swami has instructed us to engage in the 3 Ps many times before: People, Philosophy and Practice. 

• People — Associate (actively) with people who are farther along in their spiritual journey and who inspire you

• Philosophy — Read and study sacred texts, write down your questions and your doubts, and inquire humbly of the people above

• Practice — Cultivate a daily spiritual practice, such as meditation, to connect with the reality that’s much bigger than yourself 

At the end of the Q&A, I asked the following question: “Sacinandana Swami, you had shared that after your experience in the Ganga (episode #1) you had no fear. That line really struck me because most of us are not aware of how much fear we are operating with all of the time. Would you please share more with us about what it is like to live with the fearlessness of having realized the reality of a divine presence?”

Sacinandana Swami answered: “You can live from a place of no fear any longer when you don’t believe but know. As long as you only believe, you have a concept which you want to hold onto somehow or other. But the moment you know, you are resting your life on something that is not just a mental concept; it is something that has become part of you. I want to encourage everyone to [migrate] from the platform of belief…to the point of knowing.

“I have a simple practice which I wish to suggest to all of you, and something that can bring you to a level of fearlessness based on [your] experience and inner knowing. And that simple practice is to ask yourself from time to time, ‘What do I actually already know?’”

And then he gave some examples from his own life:

• “I, Sacinandana Swami, know that when I read the wisdom texts of the Bhagavad Gita, it resets my mind in a different way from the resetting I experience from any other subject I put into the mind.”

• “I know that there is a higher power that moves my life.”

• “I know that inside my changing body…throughout all the changes which I undergo, I am there as a spiritual witness and observer.”

• “I know that it’s good to control my mind when it’s impulsively acting…I become more happy.”

• “I know that when I meditate on the mahamantra, it has a profound effect on my consciousness.”

He closed by sharing that just as doubt paralyzes us in our material pursuits, doubt also paralyzes us in our spiritual life. For the doubting soul, there is no fearlessness, and there is no happiness. So he admonished us, “Therefore, don’t [remain] a believer!”

I followed Sacinandana Swami’s instruction after the class, and this is what I wrote about what I actually already know:

• I know that when I’m in your presence, Sacinandana Swami, I feel uplifted.

• I know that when I receive a new spiritual insight, I feel more enlivened than I do with anything else I experience.

• I know that when I’m in the company of bhakti yoga devotees, I feel their care and their love in the way that people are meant to be loved.

• I know that I feel so happy when I’m with the Upbuild team.

• I know that after the immersive experience of a spiritual retreat, I feel really inspired to talk with Krishna in my japa meditation practice.

• I know that I want to read the Bhagavad Gita over and over again until I fully realize its wisdom.

• I know that when I memorize a Gita verse in Sanskrit, I feel compelled to keep singing it again and again.

• I know that when I’m sitting in kirtan, I sing with an abandon that I don’t sing with in any other context.

• I know that my beliefs with respect to spirituality have changed a lot over the past ten years.

• I know that some of what I would previously categorize as beliefs are now firmly in the category of knowing.

What do you actually already know?

If we track our answers to this question over time, we will be able to see our own spiritual journey more clearly. And we will likely be inviting more spiritual experiences into our life as well.

A Final Note
Sacinandana Swami shared peak, transformative spiritual experiences with us to wake us up to a reality that is different from the one that’s visible to our senses, the one that feels real and tangible to us, the one we’re so invested in. He told us that spiritual experiences can be had by anyone, but what he was really telling us is that they must be had by everyone if we want to go beyond the limits of our material existence. And he gave us many tips both to cultivate such experiences and to locate what is getting in our way. Now, it’s up to us.

This is Your Damn Life

“What would you like to work on?”

As a coach, I usually ask this question or a version of it in the first five to ten minutes of every coaching session, after devoting some initial time to connect with the person I’m coaching. My goal is always to help the person make progress in the most important areas of their life.

Yet there are still people who join our sessions not having thought about what they’d like to focus on, or simply not knowing what they want to work on even after thinking about it. I understand this response, and I think it can happen for a few reasons:

• The person is unaware of the areas of their life that need attention

• They’re aware of what those areas are but they still don’t completely understand the scope of coaching (which is partly my responsibility as the coach) so they’re not bringing those areas to our coaching

• They feel that “life is good” right now and therefore they may not be in touch with what needs work (false presumption: if life is good, that must mean there’s nothing substantive to work on)

• They simply didn’t take the time to prepare

I understand these reasons because I’ve been in all of these positions before when I’m being coached myself.

In contrast, there are other people whom I coach who join our sessions knowing exactly what they’d like to work on. Some of them have been gathering topics since our last coaching session. Some of them block time in their calendars prior to each session to think about what they’d like to focus on. Some do both! And others are simply always in touch with what they need to work on so there’s not much preparation necessary. That’s where we all want to get to ideally, and we can.

There’s a sincerity and a substance in these coaching sessions, and thus in these coaching relationships, that is strikingly different. These people are bringing the most important areas of their life that need attention to their coaching sessions. They’re sincere in wanting to work on them. And they believe that coaching can help.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about how the way a person approaches their coaching sessions is indicative of the way they approach their life…

An Ideal Mindset

There are people who know what they want to work on, and there are people who don’t. And then there’s my Upbuild partner, Hari Prasada, whom I would classify in a category by himself. All of us at Upbuild receive coaching, and Hari and I coach each other every two weeks, switching off which one of us is coaching the other. Hari is the extreme case of knowing what he wants to work on.

Not only does Hari know what he wants to work on, but also he joins every coaching session literally wondering what little nugget will emerge that will change his life. At the end of each coaching session, he confirms exactly what actions he’s going to take. Afterwards, he takes copious notes on everything he wants to take away from the session. And before the session is complete, he’s already looking forward to our next coaching session and envisioning what further transformations await him.

I know all of this because I’ve observed Hari in action for years, and I’ve asked him about it. He deeply believes in the transformative power of coaching. He knows he’s receiving something that others pay a lot of money for and honors that value. And if he’s not following through on what he’s committing to, he understands that he’s only cheating himself. He’s also seen the impact of the coaching he receives, on himself and on his life. And those experiences have further strengthened his conviction to approach his coaching the way he does.

Expect Miracles

Assuming each coaching session has the potential to transform one’s life is a big expectation. Most people would think, “Why would I carry that expectation into a coaching session? Isn’t that basically a recipe for disappointment? Why not expect less and then be pleasantly surprised when transformation appears?”

One of my dearest friends from business school used to joke about how he set really low expectations for the types of gifts his girlfriend (now spouse) should expect to get from him. And that, he joked, was one of the keys to their happiness. Setting really low expectations, and then just barely exceeding them. And he extended this strategy to numerous other parts of his life.

For many years, I thought it made sense. Expectations management leads to a higher likelihood of (at least temporary) happiness. But as I’ve observed Hari Prasada, another premise has replaced it. I’ve been thinking about this premise as: THIS IS YOUR DAMN LIFE.

Sure, you can keep your expectations low, but those are also the expectations for your life. And our expectations affect what will happen in our lives. When we’re looking for transformation, we’re more likely to find it. Much more is possible than any of us can imagine. When we lower our expectations, we’re also limiting what’s possible. So, setting low expectations isn’t a free strategy. There’s a cost. And that cost is extremely expensive when it has anything to do with who I am and who I am becoming.

What’s Possible

For me, Hari Prasada serves as an important benchmark for how I aspire to approach my own coaching (when I’m receiving coaching), and by extension, how I aspire to approach my life. What would my life look like if I were to approach every interaction asking the question how might this interaction change my life? And every experience desiring to learn what I’m meant to learn, even when it’s difficult? And every moment conscious of what I’m working on and progressing towards becoming my best self? That sounds like a lot of work, but to me it also sounds like a magical way to go through life (as long as I’m also taking rests among the sprints to make this higher level of consciousness sustainable).

While I’m not quite there, I can see the impact of sincerely working on myself over the past ten years. As a few examples, I was able to make a career choice for the first time that was driven by a higher (inner) calling instead of being (externally) consumed by what other people would think of me. (The subtlety is that I thought I had been coming from that place before only to realize how much I had deceived myself having not done the work.) I’ve learned to become more self-accepting, and more truthful and vulnerable with other people as a result, which has enhanced my relationships. I permanently changed my diet and became a vegetarian after one coaching session in which I was able to gain clarity on what was important about it to me philosophically. And perhaps the most striking change I can see in myself is that I’m on a spiritual path with daily spiritual practices, neither of which existed for me ten years ago.

These are all changes I wouldn’t have made without continuously asking myself what areas of my life need attention and pushing on the boundaries of my comfort zone. These changes also wouldn’t have happened without having people in my life to help challenge me in encouraging ways. Whether we have a formal coaching relationship or not, we all need people in our lives who can help mirror and guide us and ensure that we don’t lose our focus amidst the chaos of life. And then of course, there’s also grace. So, I know it hasn’t been all my own doing, and at the same time, I have an important role to play.

My Work From Here

I’m desperate for the changes that lie ahead because there’s so much more for me to work on. What are the areas of my life that are in need of attention now? I carry a lot more anger than I’d like to admit, and my kids are too often on the receiving end of that anger. I’ve lacked patience all of my life, and this shortcoming is also most visible in the context of my children. My self-worth remains tangled up in my achievements and my success. And I continue to prioritize those achievements and successes over the most important relationships in my life.

Will these areas of my life change without me intentionally working on them? No. Or at best, in random ways rather than in a specific direction. And there’s a lot at stake here, especially when I consider the impact on people I love. Why would I leave that impact to chance?

What about just keeping my expectations low and being happily surprised with any transformation that happens? The people I know who are models of what transformation truly looks like are also exemplars of intentionality and focus. They’re always aware of what they need to work on, and how they’re going about it.

An Invitation

We each have the opportunity to live with such awareness, intentionality, focus and fulfillment in this life if we take it seriously. And if not, it’s easy — without any conscious choice at all — to pass up the opportunity of becoming our highest selves. We can be bystanders to the course of our lives or we can actively seek to shape ourselves into who we’re meant to be.

So what do you do if you want to take your development seriously but don’t know where to start? How can you move from low expectations and out of touch with your struggles to a state of clarity about the work to be done and expecting miracles? What is one simple, bite-sized step in that direction?

Whether you work with a coach or not, start by making the time and space to identify what you need to work on. Prioritize that. In what areas of your life are you unhappy, or affecting others negatively? In which of your relationships is trust breaking, or broken? What dreams have you given up on? You can start right now just by investing five minutes thinking about one specific issue in your life that you really need to work on. Explicitly identifying what needs attention is an important first step in the right direction.

This is your damn life. What would you like to work on?

Everything Happens for a Reason – From Rationalization to Realization

“Everything happens for a reason.” I’m pretty sure I first heard these five words as a kid from my dad. Or maybe it was from one of my uncles. It’s such a common philosophical refrain among South Asians that I may have just picked it up through osmosis.

I’ve had three distinct relationships with these five words so far in my life: rationalization, adaptation, and realization. Let me explain.

Rationalization

For most of my life, I’ve taken these words as a rationalization. Something didn’t go my way…well, everything happens for a reason. Is that supposed to make me feel better about it? Kind of. Will I ever find out the reason? Maybe. 

A classic example was when it started unexpectedly raining like crazy in the middle of our outdoor wedding ceremony in 2007. Everyone ran for shelter, the ceremony required a 45-minute intermission, and the mandap (the flowered wedding ceremony structure) never looked quite the same. Now no one said, “Everything happens for a reason,” but many of our guests told us that rain on a wedding day is good luck across cultures (which I took as a similar sentiment). And I thought, what a convenient belief. If it’s sunny and beautiful on your wedding day, you have a reason to feel happy; and if it’s raining, you have a reason to feel blessed. Well I did take the rain as a blessing and that did make me feel better about it so I guess it worked!

Rationalization actually has merit because it helps us cope on a human level, but it’s limited as all rationalization is because it doesn’t deepen our character or our understanding.

Adaptation

Over the past five years, my relationship with those five words has shifted from rationalization to adaptation (I’m using the word ‘adaptation’ because it signifies to me a learning mindset). My view changed from: “oh well, there must be a reason so hopefully I can feel better about that,” to: “what am I meant to learn from this and how is this meant to help me grow?” Instead of throwing my hands up in defeat when things don’t go my way, I’ve been more contemplative and invested time in discovering what’s here for me. These questions have offered me a secret to a more constructive consciousness and experience of life, versus a more resistant and frustrating one.

The lessons are different in each situation when things “don’t go my way,” but in almost all cases, at a minimum, there’s an opportunity for me to learn more about the nature of my attachments and just how much control I desire and even expect in my life. Returning to the wedding experience, my wife and I were so attached to everything being “perfect”…everything going a certain way…as planned…wanting to control every last detail. Well that’s not how the world works. And when it doesn’t, we experience so much distress. And for what? For a little rainshower (maybe letting us know that someone is watching from up above). In our case we were lucky that we didn’t actually feel too distressed about the rain, but this is a lesson I know I’ll be learning for the rest of my life whenever things “don’t go my way”: how do I let go? How do I invest my best efforts into everything I do, and learn to let go of the results because they are outside of my control? My partner Hari Prasada wrote all about this in his year-end reflection about letting go.

I’ve experienced the evolution in my relationship with “everything happens for a reason” from rationalization to adaptation as great progress in my consciousness and in my experience of life as I mentioned above, AND it wasn’t the endpoint.

Realization

Two months ago I had a relatively benign experience through which my relationship with those five words shifted further, from adaptation to realization (actually believing that everything happens for a reason). 

My partners Hari Prasada, Rasanath and I are teaching a class that journeys through the spiritual text of the Bhagavad-Gita. The format of the class is primarily discussion groups that the three of us each lead separately. A lot of thought went into the formation of the groups based on what we thought would best serve the class. Hari Prasada, Rasanath and I felt good about the groups. But in our first class, when we separated into our three breakout rooms, I immediately noticed that there were two people in my group who weren’t on my initial list. There was a mistake in the creation of the breakouts.

I found myself a bit distracted. After all of our efforts, someone on our team had made a mistake. Should I interrupt the start of the groups to try to correct it? I didn’t. But I continued to remain conscious of it throughout the class. After the class Hari Prasada and I discussed whether we should switch people back to their original groups for the next class, and we decided not to because we were ambivalent about what effect that would have on the individuals and the groups. But it was still bothering me a little bit. Why was I so fixated?

Over the course of the week, I thought of this phrase, everything happens for a reason. By the time the second class rolled around, I had almost let go of my fixation and felt that this group was probably meant to be the way that it is. And then right before the start of the second class, another thought came to me: why had I been so sure that we had gotten everything right when we had initially created the groups? And then it struck me. Maybe we were the ones who had made the mistakes in our initial creation of the groups! And those mistakes were kindly corrected. Because the universe has a plan that’s more informed than our plans. I laughed out loud. All of a sudden I felt an ease. It felt clear to me that this was exactly who belonged in the group. I had a new understanding of what it means that “everything happens for a reason.” It’s a faith. And it’s immediate (not a “we’ll see how this plays out”). This was a profound realization for me.

Adaptation still had elements of rationalization in it for me. What can I learn from this experience that seemed to go wrong? The new questions that were alive for me all of a sudden included, why do I assume anything went wrong in the first place? Why do I assume that I had it right originally? What if everything were getting “corrected” moment to moment? And I can have faith in "Your plan, not mine." In the moment. 

I recognize that this third relationship with “everything happens for a reason” depends on a spiritual paradigm. But so does rationalization and adaptation in many ways. I don’t think it’s possible to believe that everything happens for a reason if you don’t believe in a higher power. And as my faith in a spiritual paradigm has increased, so has my realization that everything happens for a reason. 

The thing about the groups is that it wasn't that big of a deal, so making such a big deal of it may feel like a stretch. But I was still fixated on it. Because I like to control everything in my life, and when anything doesn't go as planned, I may perseverate on it. My mind had gone from being stuck on getting this thing right to feeling released because I understood I had done my part. In a moment it became so clear – I didn't need to keep the group formations and implications on replay in my mind. For me, the beauty of this realization is that it was about a relatively inconsequential matter, but the implications were far-reaching. What would it be like if I could keep this realization with me from situation to situation, and moment to moment?

I started thinking about all of the events in my life that had been corrections of my plans. That relationship that didn’t work out. That person who didn’t join my last venture. That poor financial decision I made. That school we selected for our kids but have been second-guessing. Even my nephew getting diagnosed with leukemia. That wasn’t so much a “correction of my plans” because it wasn’t part of my plans at all, but it was an unwritten plan, one of my unilateral contracts (as my partner Michael coined) with the universe – that all of my loved ones must be healthy and well. I can also see now how good has come from such pain. My nephew’s experience of his own unbreakable spirit, his Make-A-Wish dream coming true, his family’s experience of resilience through such distress, the awareness and critical funding raised for pediatric cancer research among our community, I could go on. What if I could see that there’s a divine hand in all of it? Even when faced with something much more tragic. Even if I myself am never able to see the good given my limited perspective. 

In the context of this third relationship (realization) with “everything happens for a reason,” the adaptive questions “what am I meant to learn from this?” and “how is this meant to help me grow?” are even more impactful because they’ve changed from “what can I learn from this unfortunate situation?” to “how has this situation been designed for my learning and growth?” The same questions carry a lot more power from this viewpoint, so realization and adaptation go hand-in-hand.

It’s important to mention that “everything happens for a reason” should never be justification for bad behavior. For example, if I’m not doing my best, that’s all right because everything happens for a reason. Or if I’m being unkind to someone, that’s all right because everything happens for a reason. No. Well, maybe, but then I can also expect the universe to respond accordingly and make the necessary “corrections.” I must do everything I can and then recognize that the results are beyond my control.

I’d also like to acknowledge that all of this is much easier said than done. To share an example of how difficult this is for me even when the stakes are low, we’ve been considering getting a house outside of the city for more than a year. A couple of months ago I became captivated by a property we saw. It was beyond the budget we were considering, and I found myself simultaneously dreaming up plans to have it while also praying to stop lusting after it so that we wouldn’t make a decision that we might end up regretting. After weeks of research and working through the details financially, we were finally ready to make an offer last week, and I called the seller’s agent to discuss. He informed me that the house had gone into contract the day before (after being on the market for more than six months). What?!?! If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is. But I was still so disappointed. Why didn’t they tell us someone else was that interested? Why didn’t we move faster? On one hand, it seems pretty clear to me that this happened for a reason (even though the reason itself is not necessarily clear to me yet); and on the other hand, my toddler self is screaming, “BUT I STILL WANT IT!” If this is my response to something relatively trivial, how can I expect to respond when the stakes are much higher? When it’s about people, and there’s tragedy involved?

A few days later I’m still feeling disheartened when I think about the missed opportunity of the house, but I’m also curious what the universe has in store instead. And my recovery from feeling like I made a bunch of mistakes in the process (such as not moving faster) has been swifter than usual. Mostly because I have conviction that the universe has a plan. Is this rationalization or realization? The difference is subtle and the reality can only be known in the individual’s heart.

How many hours have I spent thinking (and rethinking) about things that didn’t go the way I had planned? How much wasted time continuing to think about those things after I had already learned what I had needed to learn? Ultimately, we have no choice but to accept. Instead, I spend all of this time fighting and resisting before accepting. What has changed is a much faster process of acceptance. And a joy knowing that someone much more qualified is also on the job :-)

Why should we trust that everything happens for a reason? Especially someone who doesn’t believe in a spiritual paradigm? Each of our journeys is so personal and unique, but I would invite you to try on “adaptation” and see what happens. Think about the struggles you have experienced in your life, and what you have learned and how you have grown from those experiences. What are you going through right now that’s not going according to your plans, and how might it be designed for your learning and growth? On a human level alone (as opposed to a spiritual one), this adaptive mindset and these questions have the potential to change your experience of life.

And for those who are open to a spiritual paradigm but also grapple with the idea, I would invite you to pay close attention whenever you experience a “coincidence” in your life. Coincidences have become like breadcrumbs for me, and when I’m not listening I easily miss them. But when I am listening, the coincidences in my life seem to multiply, and the trail of breadcrumbs becomes easier to follow. I would also invite you, if possible, to spend time with people you like and respect who have a spiritual paradigm, and observe their effect on you over time. This has been most beneficial to me in my journey from rationalization to adaptation to realization.

A few weeks ago in this telling of his first near-death experience, Hari Prasada’s guru, Sacinandana Swami, shared the profound experience he had of God telling him not to worry because “everything happens according to my will.” In the Bhagavad-Gita, Lord Krishna communicates the same message to his disciple Arjuna over 18 chapters. Given the reach and power of such a God, how can I assume that a seemingly small thing such as the formation of a group (constructed to cultivate spirituality nonetheless!) is not happening according to a divine will.

With time, I can see that everything in my life seems to have had a purpose, even things that still pinch a bit. My realization was about seeing it that way in the moment…before it has become clear…without the benefit of hindsight. That the invisible hand behind the universe is always at work. And always with me. Looking out for me. Correcting the mistakes I wasn’t aware I’d be making. And helping me learn and grow in all of the ways my soul requires. I just need to wake up to it.

How to Create Space Between Stimulus and Response

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” 

-Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

I loved this quote the instant I first read it. It immediately struck me as coming from a place of deep wisdom and personal realization. Maybe even the answer to much of life’s suffering. And over the years I’ve referenced this quote in conversations and coaching sessions whenever it felt relevant. 

But the complication was that I didn’t really know how to do it. To expand the space. Or even to identify any daylight at all between stimulus and response. For me, the two have always been like strong magnets with opposite poles; one shows up, the other gets stuck to it, and I’m unable to pry them apart. I wholeheartedly believed in the idea, but it also felt like just that: an idea. A desired state, but a distant one.

A few months ago I was talking with my coach Mary about a situation in which I lost my cool with our kids. Again. I was sad that I couldn’t seem to change certain behavioral patterns that I wanted to change, and I mentioned that I can’t seem to find any space between stimulus and response. And she said, well, between stimulus and response are a set of beliefs. Wait. What did you say? Did she just casually drop some major wisdom on me that I hadn’t realized? I felt as if she may have been giving me the missing key I had been pining for to this equation. She carried on to say there are beliefs about the situation and the other person, and beliefs about myself. 

She suggested we take the situation I shared with her and replay it in slow motion. It was around bedtime and I was helping my daughter Asha brush her teeth and we were both being silly and laughing a lot (my state was joyful and relaxed). My son Dhruv (Asha’s twin brother) was just outside of the bathroom and getting increasingly agitated. I didn’t understand what Dhruv was upset about so I went to see, and I quickly learned that he thought he had heard something that made him think Asha was making fun of him. That wasn’t the case at all, and I tried to clarify that with Dhruv but he was still angry, and he stomped to their bedroom and slammed the door shut. I went back to Asha and a few seconds later I heard a crash. Immediately I knew that Dhruv had thrown something that Asha had made by hand earlier that day. And his continuing anger brought me to the point of rage. I ran into the room, grabbed Dhruv tightly by the arm, and yelled at him for being destructive. I told him he needed to control his anger. Yes, the irony. Stimulus, and response. 

So, Mary and I rewound the tape a bit to the place where I heard the crash and saw what had happened. We paused it there. What were my beliefs about the situation and about Dhruv in that moment? It took me a minute to discern my beliefs. As I started listing the first few in my head, before I spoke anything out loud, a smile overtook my face… 

• I believed that Dhruv should have known Asha (and I) weren’t making fun of him

• I believed that even if Dhruv did think Asha was making fun of him, it’s not appropriate for him to destroy her things as a consequence

• I believed that it’s not appropriate for Dhruv to express his anger by throwing things

• I believed that my 6-year-old son should know better

I actually started laughing as I registered this last belief. This 44-year-old often doesn’t know better! But I sure do expect a lot from a 6-year-old. The crazy thing was, do I actually believe all of these beliefs? No. Not really. But I was certainly acting on them. Revelation.

And what were my beliefs about myself?

• Dhruv’s response is a reflection of my parenting

• It’s my job to control the chaos

• I am failing

So then Mary asked me to swap out/in any new beliefs I wanted. Well, I started with the belief that when someone thinks they’re being made fun of, that feels really bad, and can easily make that person angry (sometimes covering sadness), at any age, what to speak of a 6-year-old. With each find and replace, I introduced more beliefs that I actually believed. And I discovered more compassion. 

Having swapped my beliefs, we unpaused the tape and I couldn’t even conjure up my previous response. With a new set of beliefs automatically came a new response. I actually wanted to hug and hold my son. I felt a lot more patience. (And just to be clear this is not to say that I think there’s no place for discipline in raising children.)

I’m still a neophyte practicing a new skill but this question: “What are my beliefs right now?” has been helpful for me to create space between stimulus and response. And tolerance. When I experience a trigger...when I feel angry or ashamed or frustrated or afraid, I try to remember to ask myself what are my beliefs right now? It slows me down. I get curious. I swap 1-2 beliefs. And then I proceed. I’m only successful a small percentage of the time right now, but I figure if I’m able to keep moving in that direction I’ll be a different person in a few years. Please hold me to that.

Three weeks ago Hari Prasada’s guru and one of my own spiritual guides, Sacinandana Swami, spoke at an Upbuild program. He shared a moving story about the existential crisis he faced 20 years into his monastic life. At the end of his talk, he offered us a tool that has helped him tremendously on his journey. One tool from 50 years of being a monk. You know what it was? He called it the Emotional Traffic Light:

1. When something overwhelming or upsetting happens: STOP! (red)

2. Watch what’s happening from a distance and prepare a mature response as opposed to just reacting. What could be a better way to deal with this? This is where you’d think about your beliefs (yellow) 

3. Apply the insights, keep in mind what is beneficial for all of the people involved and in this particular situation, and then proceed (green)

It strikes me that Sacinandana Swami offered this singular tool from his 50 years as a monk, and Victor Frankl called this the key to freedom. What I’ve been thinking about is that maybe this isn’t just one tool in my toolbox but THE tool. And what if I were to concentrate all of my self-development efforts in this one practice. Writing this reflection has been clarifying for me. I will do it. And while I’m practicing I share this with you in the hope that you may benefit from it as well. I think of it as the how to create space between stimulus and response.

We Are Not Our Bodies

I experienced racism as an Indian kid growing up in a predominantly white community. I experienced it in the comments about my parents’ accents, in the questions about the smells in our house, and in the mean jokes that are not worth repeating. Many of these experiences made me feel small. And most made me wish I were white so that I could blend in with everyone else. Ever since those early experiences, racism has been the one issue that would spark an explosion of shame and anger in me. And perhaps because it was such an emotional experience I felt like I understood racism. But my experience doesn’t come close to approximating the prejudice, discrimination and antagonism directed against black people in this country, and I’ve come to realize how little I understand that experience despite the fact that I’ve had a distinct taste of what racism feels like.

A couple of weeks ago I was attending a four-hour class with a cohort of amazing people I’ve been with for the past nine months and whom I feel extraordinarily close to. It’s also one of the most racially diverse communities I’ve been fortunate to be a part of. The class started with the instructors checking in on how everyone was doing (in the context of the death of George Floyd and the movement against racism and police violence that was rising across the world). After a pause, one woman had the courage to share what was in her heart. She spoke so calmly and so vulnerably for almost ten minutes about the depth of her anger, her pain and her despair. And that opened the door for others to share as well. Stories of what it’s been like for them to live in black bodies in America, and to live in fear of what could happen to their adult sons everyday. A couple of women also expressed that they were tired of taking on the burden of educating white people. I could understand this sentiment and it also made me self-conscious about speaking up…afraid to expose my ignorance; for each time someone spoke I was learning something, awakening more and more to the reality that I thought I had understood but that was becoming much more personal and piercing.

I wear two bracelets on my right wrist. On one of them is written NOT THIS BODY to help remind me of my spiritual reality…that I’m not this body, I’m not this mind, I’m not this ego…that I am the soul, I am spirit, I am consciousness. As I was listening to the intense sharing that was happening in class, I kept looking down at my bracelet and thinking, we may not be these bodies, but these bodies cause us so much suffering. The Bhagavad Gita explains that the root of all suffering is our misidentification with the body, and that is partially what I was thinking about. What I was also thinking about is how whether I’m born in a black body, or a white body, or a brown body is the cause of so much additional suffering in this world. How can the message that we’re not these bodies resonate with anyone for whom the color of their bodies has determined so much? The understanding that we are not these bodies is not meant to make us indifferent to the suffering and injustice that’s been going on for so long, nor to free us from the responsibility to do something about it. 

On the other bracelet I wear is written NIMITTA MATRAM (except the last M was left off), which means “just become an instrument” in Sanskrit. All four of us at Upbuild wear this same bracelet because it represents our aspiration to be instruments of Krishna, instruments of service. I believe in service, I believe in the goodness of people, I believe in dignity for all people, and I believe in justice. As I was listening in class, I was also feeling a strong determination to act on my values and beliefs. It’s been too easy for me in the past to feel enraged and then simply revert back to remaining comfortable in my own bubble over time. I don’t know right now what the full extent of my actions will look like but it has started with helping to fund some of the organizations that are working to support the black community and this movement right now; investing time teaching our 6-year-old twins about George Floyd, racism, protests and justice; and educating myself (dramatically expanding my social media sources, constructing a new reading list, forming an anti-racist group at our kids’ school, marching in our neighborhood protest, and discussing everything). I know there’s a lot more. But it starts with seeing my own biases more clearly. I have a lot of work to do.

The Bhagavad Gita describes that the spirit in each of us originates from the same source, and therefore we are all brothers and sisters no matter what the color of our bodies. We must serve each other with this understanding in mind. And in the midst of everything that’s going on right now, let us not forget the Gita’s foundational instruction that we are much more than these bodies we occupy. Because as long as we continue to live from a material, bodily perspective, we will eternally be subjected to one type of suffering or another.

I didn’t have the benefit of being exposed to these teachings (especially the latter) as a child, and it’s a daily battle to try to unlearn 40 years of conditioning. So I’ve been exposing my children to these teachings since they could speak in the hopes that they grow up with an obligation to help create a world where people don’t experience unnecessary suffering because of the color of their bodies, and simultaneously that my children’s understanding that we are not these bodies is more self-evident so that their actions spring from a place that is powerful and contagious.