How to Create Space Between Stimulus and Response
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
-Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I loved this quote the instant I first read it. It immediately struck me as coming from a place of deep wisdom and personal realization. Maybe even the answer to much of life’s suffering. And over the years I’ve referenced this quote in conversations and coaching sessions whenever it felt relevant.
But the complication was that I didn’t really know how to do it. To expand the space. Or even to identify any daylight at all between stimulus and response. For me, the two have always been like strong magnets with opposite poles; one shows up, the other gets stuck to it, and I’m unable to pry them apart. I wholeheartedly believed in the idea, but it also felt like just that: an idea. A desired state, but a distant one.
A few months ago I was talking with my coach Mary about a situation in which I lost my cool with our kids. Again. I was sad that I couldn’t seem to change certain behavioral patterns that I wanted to change, and I mentioned that I can’t seem to find any space between stimulus and response. And she said, well, between stimulus and response are a set of beliefs. Wait. What did you say? Did she just casually drop some major wisdom on me that I hadn’t realized? I felt as if she may have been giving me the missing key I had been pining for to this equation. She carried on to say there are beliefs about the situation and the other person, and beliefs about myself.
She suggested we take the situation I shared with her and replay it in slow motion. It was around bedtime and I was helping my daughter Asha brush her teeth and we were both being silly and laughing a lot (my state was joyful and relaxed). My son Dhruv (Asha’s twin brother) was just outside of the bathroom and getting increasingly agitated. I didn’t understand what Dhruv was upset about so I went to see, and I quickly learned that he thought he had heard something that made him think Asha was making fun of him. That wasn’t the case at all, and I tried to clarify that with Dhruv but he was still angry, and he stomped to their bedroom and slammed the door shut. I went back to Asha and a few seconds later I heard a crash. Immediately I knew that Dhruv had thrown something that Asha had made by hand earlier that day. And his continuing anger brought me to the point of rage. I ran into the room, grabbed Dhruv tightly by the arm, and yelled at him for being destructive. I told him he needed to control his anger. Yes, the irony. Stimulus, and response.
So, Mary and I rewound the tape a bit to the place where I heard the crash and saw what had happened. We paused it there. What were my beliefs about the situation and about Dhruv in that moment? It took me a minute to discern my beliefs. As I started listing the first few in my head, before I spoke anything out loud, a smile overtook my face…
I believed that Dhruv should have known Asha (and I) weren’t making fun of him
I believed that even if Dhruv did think Asha was making fun of him, it’s not appropriate for him to destroy her things as a consequence
I believed that it’s not appropriate for Dhruv to express his anger by throwing things
I believed that my 6-year-old son should know better
I actually started laughing as I registered this last belief. This 44-year-old often doesn’t know better! But I sure do expect a lot from a 6-year-old. The crazy thing was, do I actually believe all of these beliefs? No. Not really. But I was certainly acting on them. Revelation.
And what were my beliefs about myself?
Dhruv’s response is a reflection of my parenting
It’s my job to control the chaos
I am failing
So then Mary asked me to swap out/in any new beliefs I wanted. Well, I started with the belief that when someone thinks they’re being made fun of, that feels really bad, and can easily make that person angry (sometimes covering sadness), at any age, what to speak of a 6-year-old. With each find and replace, I introduced more beliefs that I actually believed. And I discovered more compassion.
Having swapped my beliefs, we unpaused the tape and I couldn’t even conjure up my previous response. With a new set of beliefs automatically came a new response. I actually wanted to hug and hold my son. I felt a lot more patience. (And just to be clear this is not to say that I think there’s no place for discipline in raising children.)
I’m still a neophyte practicing a new skill but this question: “What are my beliefs right now?” has been helpful for me to create space between stimulus and response. And tolerance. When I experience a trigger...when I feel angry or ashamed or frustrated or afraid, I try to remember to ask myself what are my beliefs right now? It slows me down. I get curious. I swap 1-2 beliefs. And then I proceed. I’m only successful a small percentage of the time right now, but I figure if I’m able to keep moving in that direction I’ll be a different person in a few years. Please hold me to that.
Three weeks ago Hari Prasada’s guru and one of my own spiritual guides, Sacinandana Swami, spoke at an Upbuild program. He shared a moving story about the existential crisis he faced 20 years into his monastic life. At the end of his talk, he offered us a tool that has helped him tremendously on his journey. One tool from 50 years of being a monk. You know what it was? He called it the Emotional Traffic Light:
When something overwhelming or upsetting happens: STOP! (red)
Watch what’s happening from a distance and prepare a mature response as opposed to just reacting. What could be a better way to deal with this? This is where you’d think about your beliefs (yellow)
Apply the insights, keep in mind what is beneficial for all of the people involved and in this particular situation, and then proceed (green)
It strikes me that Sacinandana Swami offered this singular tool from his 50 years as a monk, and Victor Frankl called this the key to freedom. What I’ve been thinking about is that maybe this isn’t just one tool in my toolbox but THE tool. And what if I were to concentrate all of my self-development efforts in this one practice. Writing this reflection has been clarifying for me. I will do it. And while I’m practicing I share this with you in the hope that you may benefit from it as well. I think of it as the how to create space between stimulus and response.