A Takeaway for 2022: Being Pulled Toward Our Best Self

Dear Upbuild Community,

Another whirlwind year has gone by. There are many things to celebrate and many things to mourn, as always. I try to be daily in touch with the bigger picture which helps a lot, but at this time of year especially, I become contemplative about where I’m at in life. How am I doing? What have I learned? Where do I need to go from here?

How Am I Doing?

To answer the first question, many close to me would tell me in the words of our Enneagram teachers, Don Riso and Russ Hudson: I’m doing better than I think. My schedule and responsibilities somehow feel increasingly unmanageable and yet I feel called to all that I have the privilege to do. Even my guru, Sacinandana Swami, was puzzled about what to do with me! When we got to be together in person for the first time in three years due to the pandemic, he marveled that I’m doing all that I should be doing and it’s so wonderful. And yet he understood that the stress is just too much. He could not advise where to pull back because there’s something so right about things.

Yet I’ve suffered a major toll to my digestive health (previously it was back issues), and I know it’s not unrelated. I’ve therefore revamped my life in very surreal ways with a new Ayurvedic diet. I’ve become more committed than ever to certain sacred habits, capitalizing on the early morning hours that are a linchpin to my well-being. And I continue to serve every way I can to my heart’s content with my wife, this Upbuild team, and our community…Except that my heart is never content! I always want to serve much more and much more deeply. This is all a great honor and also an intense growing pain I experience constantly. Hopefully I can at the very least live up to the idea that I’m doing better than I think!

What Have I Learned?

To start, I’m carrying a lot of weight! I guess I always knew that, but I’m seeing it more acutely as well as the effects of it. So then I’ve had to determine – what’s the source of that weight? With all good intentions to do more and be a better version of myself, I’ve discovered that the source is one thing: the notion that it’s all on me.

I have to figure everything out. I have to move move move. I have to do. And if I don’t, things fall apart. I better get to it. Nonstop. It never ends. And it’s never enough. And then one day it will end. And it will have to be enough. But with this mentality, even at the time of death, it won’t have ever been enough. That’s a wake-up call!

When I spoke to my guru about this, he made a startling observation that has remained burned into my consciousness for many years: Hari Prasada, you’re a pusher. You always push yourself. And you act as if that is the best way to live. I know because I was a pusher myself…

It resonated intensely. And you can see the effect of that pushing on me in what I’ve shared here. But I could not seem to understand the alternative for how life should go except as some ethereal idea.

When I’ve asked Sacinandana Swami about how to flip the switch to the way he now so beautifully operates, he’s told me that this requires deep spiritual experience. It’s not an overnight job. It’s a “rewiring.” But I understand that the rewiring has to begin now.

The challenge, as I also expressed to him, is that whenever I try not to push, things don’t happen. Things really do fall apart. I have evidence! If I don’t push myself, it’s not good. Maybe you’ve experienced the same thing yourself or would never want to try lifting your foot from the accelerator for fear of that same thing. Yes, this is why it’s not so easy!

And that brings us to the third and final question.

Where Do I Need to Go from Here?

I’m faced with a crucial choice: To continue pushing or to be pulled somehow toward my best self.

Currently, my mindset carries the momentum of the ego’s limitless self-centeredness. It’s all up to you, Hari Prasada. You’ve got to do everything. You have responsibility to everyone. Don’t let them down. You have to make things count. This life better amount to something. Make it happen.

There’s a place for this mentality outside of the ego’s reign. We do indeed have to be responsible and not offload that to others or avoid. We have to take our lives seriously. We have to take the people in our lives seriously, the roles we get to play for them, and the contributions we can make. No one else will do that for us. And it is our precious chance to make something wonderful out of this life! Who would want to argue with that or squander it with casualness?

To live the most meaningful life, we do indeed need strong aspiration, dedication, determination, and action. Without goals, strategy, and resolve, we won’t get anywhere. And likewise without proactive adaptation and iteration, we won’t get anywhere. Hence, it’s not so easy to just stop pushing and actually get somewhere worthwhile!

But there’s something more here. There are unseen forces at play that have shaped our lives into what they are beyond our own ability to do so. We cannot even will ourselves to breathe, or as I’ve learned bitterly, to digest food. We are very small. So little is really within our control at all. If we actually recognize this, a door opens up.

Through the spirit of humility, we feel our dependency. We feel our insignificance. We feel our hopelessness. And why would we want any of these things that sound completely negative? Because they’re the truth. And it’s not helpful to choose illusion over truth. Moreover, in this spirit of humility, there is uncharted possibility. It is only through humility that we can be pulled.

The self-oriented pusher carrying the weight of everything knows no peace. There is a fundamental lack of humility in the approach. It’s a mythical hope to gain control over the uncontrollable. To somehow miraculously tame the tides of life before we leave the planet – an event also tellingly beyond our control.

As we close on another year, I want to change my approach. I’m determined to do so. But not with the pushing mindset of “I will pull myself!” That would be antithetical to what I wish to achieve. To achieve what is most precious in life – deepening connection to my best self – I must get in the mindset to receive.

I have to stay with the recognition that I’m not so great, I’m not so special, and I’m not capable of doing any of this myself. I also can’t turn that into the ego’s inferiority complex which is just the flip side of the same coin. I’m so down and frustrated because I’m not so great, I’m not so special, and I’m not capable of doing any of this myself, but I should be!

Rather, the spirit of humility is a grounding release of the pressure I put on myself to be everything at all times and have things under control. It’s a voluntary giving up of the weights I carry without giving up or making someone else become the carrier. It’s a deep internal shift.

By admitting my lack of control and my inabilities, I don’t have to hold myself to unreasonable standards and live on the treadmill of life. This is the secret I observe in my guru. He’s as productive and dynamic of a force as anyone I’ve ever seen. He often doesn’t get enough rest because he gives so much of himself to people in the same vein that I aspire to – writing, teaching, coaching, counseling, serving, and being with people. But he never feels he’s pushing. He always feels pulled.

Sacinandana Swami doesn’t think – look at what I’ve done, look at what I’m doing, or look at what I have to do in the future. He thinks – look at what an instrument I’ve gotten to be, try to be currently, and get to be in the future, by some grace. This takes all the weight off! He feels incapable of doing anything himself while paradoxically using his nature and skills to contribute to the world by helping us realize our best selves. There’s a pulling force he feels beyond himself that is electrifying.

When I’ve tapped into this pulling force myself, which I did for the first time in my monastic days, it’s been intoxicating. There’s nothing I love more. It’s really the best, and I could always tell that there’s so much more where this came from! I’m only scratching the surface…

I have vivid memories of hosting events and taking care of our community by giving talks, serving sanctified food, and spending time with people, experiences that have been out of this world. Being in flow. Feeling I’m not doing anything and yet things are happening. Feeling that I get to be an instrument.

Honestly, by some grace, I feel this way at our Upbuild events practically every time. And this gives me great conviction that the approach can be ported more and more into all aspects of my life. For example, when I’m very stressed about cooking for guests, making sure everything is tasty, nourishing, and on time, I offer a simple prayer, resolving to give my best, eager to satisfy the bellies and hearts of all, and I trust it will somehow come together. When it doesn't go the way I’d like, I get to learn from what could be better and to accept what’s not meant to be. This works wonders! And I see how the same experience can apply elsewhere in my life. Everywhere in my life.

There is a flow that’s available to all of us. There is a pulling force that is bigger and more fulfilling than our little efforts to push ourselves. That experience awaits us all. We have the crucial choice: to push or to be pulled.

To increasingly receive this freeing feeling of flow with life, as we wrap up 2022, I’m committing to the following steps, and I sincerely hope you will too:

1.     Recognize I’m carrying the weight of “it's all on me”

2.     Admit that things are beyond my control

3.     Set the intention to simply be of humble service to the people in my life

4.     Trust that when I give my best it will be enough and I will be pulled to keep growing

Accompanied by daily spiritual practice, this formula becomes extremely potent. Over time, it will dismantle the ego that harasses us, making everything a struggle or dangling one carrot after another for us to chase. This formula will undoubtedly bring us to being our best self more and more, as we all crave. I have evidence! Start the rewiring now.

The Two Sides of Working on Yourself

There are two aspects of us that we can work on if we want to effectively uncover our best self:

1. The Ego – who we think we should be

2. The Soul – who we are (our spiritual core)

When we work on both, we do so from opposing angles, but both are absolutely essential. In fact, you cannot uncover your best self without this dual approach. We can only arrive at our self and inhabit our self fully by coming at it from both sides. That means having the courage to find and follow our spiritual inclination while working on our shadows. 

We’ll see that the self naturally feels intangible to us, perhaps even fanciful, buried under all the layers of ego. But with an open mind and heart, we might just notice the subtle intuition that something spiritual is there inside us. Let’s invite that daringness to discover what lies beyond our present state by sincerely seeking to understand the ego and the self.

The Ego:

The ego is what blocks the self. The prison. Without peeling the layers of ego, there’s no way in. The more we peel off, the more we discover about ourselves that is confronting. We feel frightened and ashamed about what we’re covering with our masks that help us look better to ourselves and the world. And we simultaneously feel freer by exposing our ego masks – the postures of who we think we should be. 

The method of working on our ego is:

1. Call ourselves out on our ego's selfishness to prove and defend its identity

For example, I have the desire to be seen as the best husband so I don’t feel small and not enough in this relationship that is so precious. By sharing this with my wife and also by writing this, I get to call myself out!

2. Diligently do all we can to not play into it

I’m very conscious of this ego identity to be the best husband. I try to focus on just serving my wife rather than being seen as “the best husband.”

3. Take responsibility when we do play into it

When I fail, I get humbled and apologize for my insecurity around being seen as the best husband. I’ll keep trying to understand her and support her rather than trying to get validation for my being enough.

4. Seek guidance to work through our ego addictions

I need coaching for perspective, empathy, and the ability to share my heart. I need people who understand me, care about me, and can give strength to my growth journey. I need safe spaces to process my hopes, fears, emotions, and the road to freeing myself of ego.

If we follow this path, we’re destroying the prison, bar by bar. We get a hint of the potential within. And we forage closer and closer to the soul.

If we don’t remove the blocks, we’re out of reach from the self and it becomes wishful spirituality. Doing your spiritual practices while letting the ego run the show is the greatest disservice to the self and to everyone else. It makes this most crucial work on the self far less effectual for us and even repellant to others. Nothing is more unattractive than hypocrisy, which is what work on the self without work on the ego becomes because in the name of the self, we continue to project ourselves egoically rather than act from who we are!

In the monastery where I spent some of my most formative years, I observed that many of us followed through on the work of the soul with our meditation, prayer, and spiritual services. But those of us who did not as carefully strive to monitor our ego’s workings suffered unnecessarily. 

Some of my fellow monks were resistant to work on the ego. They felt why waste time on the stuff of this material world like psychology? They felt our work is beyond that. And as a result, I observed that dear monastic brothers of mine suffered in isolation, unable to confront the shame and speak about their difficulties, caught in a culture of toughing it out, trying to just focus on God rather than our inner work, experiencing terrible loneliness, forbidden longings, unfulfilled desires for a secure identity in the world, and harboring high levels of frustration that also caused pain in their relationships. This broke my heart. It reinforced for me the necessity to work on my own ego and offer that opportunity to others. It made the calling to invest in this side of the self-work much louder.

We can’t skip the ego work to hit the transcend button. That’s called “spiritual bypass.”

If we earnestly keep peeling away at the layers of ego, we develop strong momentum. But even as the bars of our ego prison are being destroyed, it feels there are always more of them – an endless prison. And the soul is atrophied from never actually having moved.

The ego side is a great starting point for our self-work because we all are familiar with the qualities and behaviors of our egos. This is why most people who engage with us do so from the vantage of working on the ego. And even working on the ego is exceptionally rare in this world. It is glorious. But that still is just licking the honey jar, tasting what fragmental smudges might be there without opening it for what’s inside.

The Soul:

The soul, on the other hand, is uncharted territory… Even more rare. That’s the honey. And the jar is bottomless. In the sacred text which we’ve dedicated ourselves to studying and teaching as the foundation of Upbuild’s work, the Bhagavad-Gita, Krsna expresses that out of many thousands of people hardly one may endeavor for perfection. 

How many people do you know actually seeking the perfection of the soul? I don’t mean someone who goes to a place of worship or someone who believes in the soul or God or energy. I mean someone who is striving with every breath to embody the qualities of the eternal soul that is infinitely attractive in its humility, purity, honesty, patience, selflessness, compassion, strength, and love. 

As long as we do the work on our egos alone, we find ourselves in an asymptote of forever going closer, without arriving. The real self is left theoretical – a construct. This is not the bypass of wishful spirituality – this is no spirituality.

Going directly to the soul awakens us to who we are. Spiritual practice addresses that deepest me who we crave to be. Nothing else has the power to do this.

In my own life, that’s sacred mantras, reading, prayer, and wanting to lovingly serve everyone. It requires the vision that all living beings are souls, and I am placed here simply to serve these souls.

At Upbuild, we’re so impassioned about our Enneagram work because we get a taste of being more and more ourselves by removing the blocks of the ego. This encourages us to go deeper. But even our teachers, Don Riso and Russ Hudson at The Enneagram Institute, share that the Enneagram can only take you so far on the journey to the self. 

To cross the threshold and actually know the self requires a spiritual practice.

Are we bold enough to tread this new terrain?

The Mission:

At Upbuild we strive to take both approaches to working on ourselves with utmost sanctity. Self-realization is everything to us, and this dual approach is the key to accomplishing it. Without both, we’re missing something, and deep down, the self knows it. We may not allow ourselves to feel it, as we drown ourselves in busyness, responsibilities, obligations, pleasures, pains, and escapes from having to deal with our shadows. But we can never be satisfied this way. The treadmill always pushes us onward in a state of perpetual wanting.

It’s only when we remove the blocks and go to the heart of who we are that we can be our real selves. That requires a constant movement of managing the ego and awakening the soul. One is an outside-in approach, and the other an inside-out approach. The work on the ego is outside-in, starting with the covering to go deeper inside. The work on the soul is trying to grow the deepest self to the point where I can experience it out in the world, free from all external layers of ego.

To exit the paradigm of the familiar and take on the paradigm of the soul is no small task. But it is the most extraordinary one I know. And my deepest conviction is that anyone who sincerely takes up the mantle will wholeheartedly agree. Imagine what this world would be if we all responded to this calling and tried to help each other arrive at our real selves.

The heart is the deepest part of us, where the soul resides. It is likened to a precious garden. The two sides of working on yourself are 1. removing the weeds of selfish qualities like lust, greed, envy, and anger that choke the self, and 2. watering the flowers of the real self through absorption in spiritual practice. If we sincerely tend to our garden with both sides, then we are guaranteed to awaken from our ego-slumber to who we really are.

What will you commit to doing to work on yourself from both sides?

When Will We Stop Beating Ourselves Up?

“If anyone else spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, you’d punch that person in the face…” says our teacher at the Enneagram Institute, Russ Hudson. Why are we so hard on ourselves? What is the consequence? And what do we do about it?

I regularly coach clients who wonder about these questions and look for guidance on how to handle the tyrannical internal reign of the Inner Critic. I suffer from the same affliction and questions as they do. It’s an ongoing struggle, but it does get better if we invest the time and energy into understanding what’s actually happening and where our power lies to change things.

For example, I had one client express how stressed she is in her job as a health care professional in the midst of the pandemic and how she is rough on herself about it, which only makes it worse. She deeply desires to help people more than she’s able and also wants to be calm and grounded while doing so. The stress makes her feel less adept in her life and in her role of caretaker for others. But with a few steps that we’ll look at here, she is beginning to be kinder to herself and create more spaciousness for others.

Our Inner Critic is the mouthpiece of our ego. Our ego is the identity of who we think we should be, rather than who we are. When we don’t live up to our fanciful identity, our Inner Critic comes to the rescue to let us know! Do we ever live up to our fanciful identity? No. Why? Because it’s fanciful! It’s not us. So the Inner Critic has a full-time job keeping us on the treadmill, working our butts off to become something we’re not and can never be!

That taskmaster and evaluator that lives in us has different flavors and imperatives according to our Enneagram Type, or the needs of our unique ego personalities. We’re never satisfied. It’s always that we need something more and then we’ll be okay. We’re never enough. We always have to become something we are not. 

Whether I’m toiling for a prestigious promotion or financial security or a sense of calm or the best friend award or otherwise, I can never be truly at peace with myself. That is the consequence of our often hidden self-flagellation. And it leaks out onto others. 

I hurt people because, in that moment (at the very least), I don’t have compassion for myself, so I have no compassion in me to offer anyone else. When I react, raise my voice, self-isolate, or send any subtle or not-so-subtle message to someone that they’re no good right now in my eyes, it’s because my Inner Critic has gotten the best of me.

The challenge is that we don’t often hear it. We don’t even know it’s happening. Our unconsciousness makes us the perfect prey. So we need to become conscious of our Inner Critic. We need to hear its voice. That is the first step.

That’s something we create experiences around and drive home in our Working With Your Inner Critic workshop. We must become attuned to its voice. Any time we’re feeling negative, trace the feeling to the voice. Hear what it must be telling you that accounts for the down-trodden emotions. Now you’re present, connected to reality, and you know what’s happening, so you’re ready to take action.

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the framework developed by Marshall Rosenberg, we learn that behind every feeling is a need. Those needs are either met or unmet, or somewhere in between. If we’re feeling something positive, that indicates a need has been met. And if we’re feeling something negative, vice versa. Emotions also communicate the degree to which the need has been met or unmet. We have intense emotions for needs intensely met as well as unmet. We have temperate emotions for the more moderate meeting or lack of meeting our needs. This is vital to understand because when our Inner Critic is at the helm triggering us, we have to know what need it’s blasting us for not having met.

The need is the purer form of the ego’s drivers. Needs come from our real self – who we actually are – and get refracted through the ego as fixations. Those fixations are a distortion of our natural needs that now cease to serve us and create tension with others. 

We generally work in a self-absorbed way to meet the demands of our own egos and simultaneously try to keep enough good will with one another to feel morally upright and not disturb our lives…until someone steps on one of our internal landmines. Those triggers then summon the Inner Critic to the scene.

So we want to be something that we’re not and we want to be seen in this way by others to reinforce that we are in fact this identity. And when others don’t see us that way, we get triggered. Our Inner Critics thus fire at the other person and fire at us for not being unassailable and self-evidently the identity we think we should be. It should be obvious that I am this and if anyone doesn’t see it, that means you’re not good enough, is the message.

And the need is buried in all of this mess. It is our mission to dig through and uncover the pure need. That will help us create clarity and stability in the chaos. Moreover, we’ll begin to understand ourselves better. And when we understand ourselves, we can feel for ourselves. We can recognize that we’re going through a lot and need care. We are never above that need for care. All of our needs boil down to the most intrinsic and ultimate of all – to love and be loved. So we’re never beyond that need for care. And charity begins at home.

We have nothing to offer others if we don’t carry it ourselves. We can’t offer a gift that’s not in our possession. So we must stop to check in with ourselves and give much needed empathy that will offset the madness our Inner Critics muster.

I will close with a step-by-step simple process:

1. Recognize you’re triggered and pause

2. Listen for the voice of your Inner Critic

3. What are you feeling right now?

4. What is the pure need behind that feeling?

5. Stay with the beauty of your need and give yourself empathy for its not being met

Even without trying to meet the need, that self-empathy will do wonders for you and the people in your life. Then from there, you can try to find better strategies to meet your need (a step 6 for another time). And you can offer empathy for what anyone else involved in the situation is going through and needs (a step 7 for another time). 

What does this look like in practice? This is an inner dialogue that can serve as a model to coach us from the pain of starvation for our needs to self-acceptance and continuing growth:

1. I just showed up to a meeting and didn’t get to share anything meaningful

2. My Inner Critic is telling me I’m useless and I don’t have anything to offer and I’m not good at my job or good with people and others are much more adept than me

3. I feel ashamed and sad

4. I have a need for contribution, effectiveness, belonging, and deepest of all, to matter

5. I know that to matter is something vital to my being, otherwise, what am I doing on this planet? It is painful not to feel like I matter. Deep down, I know this need is coming from a pure place of the real self and deserves to be honored. I allow myself to feel empathy for myself and my unmet need, such that my Inner Critic isn’t the dominant force. My own self-empathy becomes more real, present, and impactful. There are lessons from this experience that I’m committed to learning, and there are countless more opportunities to meet my need to matter in different arenas.

If we don’t have this self-empathy, our Inner Critic barks more loudly at us (and we often still will not hear it, but merely feel its effects). When we actually hear the woundedness within us, patiently, it doesn’t need to yell anymore. When someone is trying desperately to get our attention and feel heard, ignoring and neglecting typically exacerbates the situation. What you resist persists. With presence to what’s happening inside us and self-empathy for the suffering, we rise in consciousness and courageously show up more fully as we are. Then we can also be far more understanding and connected with others, as our hearts crave, and as our world craves.

Going Beyond the Limits of Mindfulness

“Be here now.” The ultimate mindfulness mantra. 

In mindfulness, we’re commonly taught to ignore the past, ignore the future, and just focus on the present. Focus on the breath, or the amazing view of the sea, or the sand beneath your toes, and everything will be fine.

Maybe it will feel fine at that moment, but we are missing the larger reality.

We often take mindfulness as encouragement to leave the big picture behind because it’s too much, too stressful, or seemingly unimportant as compared with the current happening. Just be present. 

If we follow this directive to leave the past and future behind, our actions will not have much meaning in the broader scheme. We never want to ignore the bigger picture. We want long-range thinking. In fact, we want the longest-range thinking – seeing the grand spectrum of things. From the perspective of the real self, it becomes so clarifying to get out of the minutiae of a single moment. We must see beyond the blinders of the present. That is losing the forest for the trees. That is our myopia.

The real self, the soul, does not belong to a moment in time. It does not even die when the body dies. This is my deepest understanding from my years of studying wisdom texts and living as a monk. The self belongs to eternity. As my guru says: We are children of eternity.

Only when we act as the self, the deepest and most authentic core of who we are, and have the perspective of eternity, do we begin to do justice to reality.

Mindfulness advocates will typically acknowledge that we would profit to take each moment as if it is our last. That may sound like preaching to the choir because if it’s our last moment, we will certainly be only in the now. But if we really understand this practically, it means we are projecting into the future that we could die at any moment. We are not dead at this moment. And we’re using that future projection as a guide for the present.

Likewise, mindfulness advocates will typically acknowledge it’s good to learn from the past. Learn from our mistakes. Don’t just keep repeating them.

So it’s clear that we can’t afford to kiss off the past or the future. That will never serve us.

We must always look for the context of who we are in the spectrum of reality, which includes past, present, and future. This is wisdom. The self is never isolated from these dimensions.

As an example of how mindfulness falls short, I regularly go through my day feeling like I didn't do enough to earn my worth. I have too many undone items and everything feels too chaotic. I feel out of control with a to-do list that never ends. If I just absorb myself in the here and now, trying to live in the material reality of an isolated moment while convincing myself that I am enough, it’s flimsy. I miss the bigger picture. I lose the meaning of past and future with their direct connection to the present. Moreover, I cut the vision of the self who exists not only in this moment, but always, which is the greatest shelter. I must remember amidst the myriad trials and tribulations that this too shall pass. I will make it to the future and better for it. And what I need then is to zoom out for the bigger picture and zoom into the real self. I do this zoom out and zoom in every day, without fail. It keeps me going and keeps me growing.

So are we against mindfulness? Does it collapse onto itself under scrutiny? Not so. Rather, we need a more holistic understanding of mindfulness. We need to be mindful of the past, the present, and the future. We need to absorb ourselves in the present from the vantage point of what the past has taught us and what future we intentionally are called toward.

We need to be mindful of how to use mindfulness for its maximum impact. Mindfulness is extremely beneficial for the mind and body. We need to nourish our minds and bodies with what serves them. However, mindfulness does not touch the self. 

The self is mindful, but being mindful does not mean we are being our selves. It means we feel a little closer to who we are because we’re developing a trait of the self. And that is indeed wonderful. That’s why it’s so attractive. We want this! But we don’t want to conflate that with being who we are.

Many of us will stop at mindfulness and consider it as our spirituality or our being the real self. That is a travesty. Good being the enemy of great to the infinite degree…

To illustrate the principle further, let’s look at mindfulness in a higher and in an average state of consciousness:

In a higher state of consciousness, I can be mindful in meditation, trying to clear the mind and be peaceful, free of stress, gaining in presence, gaining in awareness. That is the best we can possibly do with mindfulness from a worldly perspective. Make no mistake, it is still not spiritual. Yet it’s grounding, healthy, and good.

At an average state of consciousness, I can eat an ice cream with incredible focus. That’s nice. You’ll get more enjoyment that way. It’s better than scarfing it down or fueling a flamboyant addiction to sweets (though a proper addict will know this is actually the best way to indulge…). But what does that do for the world? What does that do for the self? Mindfully getting what I want is actually what most of mindfulness entails today. It has nothing to do with the self.

This is not what mindfulness is meant for. Mindfulness is meant for bringing us closer and closer to reality, which includes the self and the world. The higher the consciousness, the more our mindfulness takes us closer to reality and the self. The lower, the further away. 

To be best suited to serve others, we want to be mindful, but as our selves, not refracted through our ego identifications. We want to make sure we work on being who we are, and not mistake mindfulness as doing that. That is how mindfulness sells us short.

The increasing mainstream embrace and commercialization of mindfulness are helpful for simulating one of the wonderful qualities of the self. However, this simultaneously removes most of us from any impetus to experience the actual self. We think mindfulness is where it’s at. And we stop there. That’s the immeasurable loss!

What we need is to take mindfulness in context, not out of context. Mindfulness is one part of the journey, and not the most important one – unless and until we channel it internally toward perceiving the self and what’s getting in the way.

We’ve exposed three things here:

1. The lack of clarity on what mindfulness actually means

2. The lack of completeness in the way mindfulness is commonly taught

3. The misconception that mindfulness is spirituality

Again, the purpose of this piece is not to discourage mindfulness but to clarify what it actually is, what it isn’t, and how it can be used for the best benefit. And to go beyond its limits to experience our fullest self.

I started my own journey at NYU Film in 2006 experimenting with mindfulness and meditation. I found it so helpful to be more present and more attuned! I’ve never stopped feeling that way. But if I only sought this, I would never know what more is at stake from the spectrum of eternity. 

Working to remove the layers of ego that cover us and cultivate connection to the soul via spiritual practice has taken me light-years beyond my prior conceptions of mere mindfulness. I still have many more light-years to go. And so I rely on spiritualized mindfulness to propel me through – all the way to self-realization.

A Takeaway for 2021: Die Before Dying

My Dear Upbuild Community,

I wrote to you last year that my focused endeavor would be to let go of the results in life, just as Krsna instructs Arjuna to do in the landmark sacred text, The Bhagavad-Gita. That has been a phenomenal challenge. With so many ups and downs, progress on the path looks more to me like the spastic upward curve of a seismograph than a simple straight line to perfection.

In spite of the difficulties, I know this process of ‘let go and let God’ works. And there have been many indicators that encourage me to move forward. I regularly have moments where I think this is divine magic and that a benevolent force is looking out for me. I regularly gain crucial realizations that I cherish. I regularly gain blessings that I can feel are powering me. And I regularly have the opportunity to serve others in deeply meaningful ways that are beyond me. So in looking back at another chaotic year, for the world, and for this Hari Prasada, I want to focus on one jewel (with four faces) to carry forward into the new chapters ahead.

The cornerstone of what I want to share with you is that I’m going to die. Some of you may be shocked and terribly concerned by this statement. Others may think I’m merely stating the obvious. To all, I must express, I’m okay, but this is a reality we don’t give proper time and attention to. Thankfully, I’m healthy and have no reason to believe I will die prematurely. But death is almost always premature, even if it’s in the furthest human reaches of old age. Stated simply, no one wants to die, ever, unless life is too much suffering that death is the lesser of two evils. The tragedy here is that we never then see what life could be and how it extends beyond the death of our body.

The great king of Vedic times and elder brother to Arjuna from the Gita, Yudhisthira, was once asked: What is the greatest wonder in all existence? 

His response: We all will die, and yet everyone acts as if that day will never come. 

This is what Ernest Becker so aptly exposed as “The Denial of Death.” If we did truly understand and face this phenomenon of death, we could never live the way that we do. Each moment would be far too precious and the core of us – who we really are – would be our foremost preoccupation.

In our Remembering Who We Are weekly gathering, we heard from my guru, Sacinandana Swami, about what it was like to be On the Brink of Death (as the series is called), many times over. The experience of a life-force bigger than death endowed him with the most powerful conviction in the existence of the soul.

The experience of his soul, undying, and capable of rising into the air over an operating table where his bleeding body lay, only to cross through walls and perceive the rest of the hospital, was just a tiny striking glimpse of what this means. He later verified both with his fellow monk friend sitting outside in the waiting room, as well as the surgeon performing the procedure, that everything he had seen and heard while outside the body defying the laws of physics, was indeed true. When he presented this account at a scientific conference in Germany, an esteemed doctor thanked him for making his job easy by providing top-notch first-hand experience for any skeptics of how we can exist separate from the body.

In the same Remembering Who We Are program, we went on to follow the thread around death into the writings of another self-realized soul – Bhakti Tirtha Swami. In his book, The Beggar IV: Die Before Dying, which we continue to study in these sessions, Bhakti Tirtha Swami notes that there is a spiritual technology that allows us to “die a glorious death.” And if we get that right, it can only mean we have lived a glorious life. In other words, we don’t have a beautiful and successful departure from this world into the life of the soul unless we’ve properly prepared.

That’s Krsna’s main lesson in The Bhagavad-Gita. In Chapter 8, he explains to Arjuna and to all of us that the purpose of life is to pass the final exam of death. If we study and train well, we’ll have no problem at all.

Since the age of 33, I started to realize more tangibly that I will die. Before that, my finite years on the planet felt infinite. That is the illusion we generally like to live in. For these last several years, it’s been starting to cave for me. I imagine my death, morbid as it sounds. My guru has taught me this. There must be preparation.

Although I know it’s only a gateway, I fear my death. For those who think biologically and not spiritually but believe that death is not to be feared because it is only natural, that is nice in theory. In practice, we have infinite longings and infinite fears. Death is the heaviest block to all our longings and the very culmination of all our fears. It is the symbolic representation of everything that gives us anxiety and that we wish to avoid and suppress. And so I still fear. But turning away from this is not the recipe for success in death.

Rather, Bhakti Tirtha Swami offers us the spiritual technology for a glorious death. With my mom, Dr. Tzipi Weiss’s inspiration, we’ve distilled this technology into four branches:

1. Prioritization

2. Preventing Offenses

3. Forgiveness

4. Sanga (connection)

I would love to one day write separately about each, just as we’ve been processing each of them deeply in Remembering Who We Are. But for this moment I will just say a word about each branch that sets us clearly on course for a glorious death. 

1. Prioritization - We must prioritize the Big Rocks, as Stephen Covey would say, as I often like to share thanks to him, and as my guru expressed to me very intensely this year. We will be pulled in all directions by this world, and especially by our wild hearts and minds filled with desires and distractions. If we don’t put the Big Rocks in first, we will wind up with so many regrets, fears, and pains that are needless. The practices that open up connection with the soul such as mantra meditation, prayer, reading of sacred texts, and coming together for spiritual growth are the most powerful tools that I know at our disposal. May they never get lost in the shuffle. May we never neglect the calling within that competes with all the noise of this world.

2. Preventing Offenses - We all have urges that, if acted upon, cause us to disrespect others, ourselves, and our practices, as well as the services we do. We regularly experience the impulses of reactivity, defensiveness, hurt, desire to retaliate, and we sometimes move too quickly, neglecting to give proper care to what we’re doing or who we’re with. As long as we act on the impulse to disrespect, we cheat ourselves from growth. We distort the sanctity of our connection with ourselves and each other. Being attentive, caring, and genuinely wishing the best for everyone, even when there’s a need to be strong or set firm boundaries, is critical for our own spiritual well-being. When we come from a selfish place, an entitled place, a reactive, what to speak of retaliatory place, no good comes. If we behave thoughtlessly and carelessly in our practices and services, no good comes. It’s only with deep respect by understanding with spiritual vision that everyone is a soul and everyone is worthy of love that we do justice to reality. And we always want to be as mindful and heartfelt as possible as we offer our spiritual practices and our service to others. We want to act with this pure understanding always, and try our best to take responsibility for any shortcomings that stand in our way.

3. Forgiveness - People will let us down. Circumstances will push us over the edge. We will feel unfairly treated. This is inevitable. It’s in the DNA of material existence. It’s part of the karma we all come with and must learn from. We all have done things that afford us a reaction that we’re meant to learn from. That’s our karma. If we take out our frustration on others or hold it inside begrudgingly, we only hurt ourselves. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the soul from the prison of self-righteous expectation. People are not here to meet our needs and abide by our conceptions. They need our compassion and forgiveness, even if again, strong boundaries are required to flourish and not enable another. But more than anything, we need for ourselves to not hold hatred or resentment in our hearts. That chokes us. The heart suffocates without forgiveness.

4. Sanga - All our learning, inspiration, and support on this path to the real self depends on sanga, or the company we keep. Particularly, it means those who walk this path with us and can help us on our way. It’s the loving relationships that nourish us and set an example, mirror us, provoke us to rise to greater heights of being, and allow us to gain realizations. We need people to receive us as we are and to show us what is possible in living by spiritual principles. Nothing has been or continues to be more impactful for me personally than this understanding of sanga. The people we surround ourselves with have the biggest influence on who we are currently. If we become intentional and find ways of connecting with those who push us beyond our comfort zone and care about us with heart and soul, as my guru says - miracles will happen. So making time to show our love for such sincere souls and receive their love for us could not be more pivotal.

When we’re on our deathbeds, there are common worries that have been documented in studies and by end of life caretakers. Having prioritized superficially, created harm, failed to forgive, and lost out on pure love, are some of the heaviest worries. If we think of these now – doing a pre-mortem, no pun intended – and steer toward strong spiritual investment in each of these areas, we not only prevent a painful death, but we imbue our life with maximum meaning.

What is it to die before dying? It means we voluntarily let the ego die before we’re forced to let go of it in death. We give up all temporal identifications with our mind and body. We give up all the possessiveness towards this life. We think of who we really are in eternity – a selfless, loving servant of all living beings, divinely connected. This happiness knows no bounds. It is full freedom. And it makes death not only a cakewalk when it’s the most formidable misery of all miseries, but it makes it glorious. It becomes our portal to a sublimity of the soul we can’t imagine.

Bhakti Tirtha Swami departed at 55 with vicious melanoma. In his last days, his leg amputated and in excruciating pain, he said: It doesn’t get any better than this. I wouldn’t trade my position with anyone in the world. He’d done what he’d set out to do. He died before dying and lived as the soul.

When my hero who first inspired me to take up this path, Soren Kierkegaard, passed from this world in 1855, he lit up the room. His nephew, who was six years old at the time, remembered it decades later as the most significant event in his life. At the moment of exiting his body, Kierkegaard had a smile on his face that was truly glorious. For he had mastered his life. He focused on dying before dying. And the glory of his death spoke for itself. Everything he lived for – all his spiritual principles and teachings, in spite of his many struggles, paid off. Though centuries too late to have been there myself, I never forget this scene. I always keep it close to my heart as I imagine my own death.

So my ardent intention to take away from 2021 into the future is the acknowledgement of my death, the commitment to die before dying, and the investment in the four branches of spiritual technology that will help me make my death and my life glorious, by divine grace and the grace of my teachers. I pray so much the same for you. 

We don’t know how much time we have. Kierkegaard left this world at 42. My own 37 years have gone by like it was nothing. Another 37 is just around the corner if I’m given them. Time is always too short. Please take this life seriously and please take this death seriously. If we do both, with the understanding that we are indeed souls, and we feed our souls by this spiritual technology, all of our struggles become meaningful. Don’t forget to prioritize, prevent offenses, forgive, and seek loving sanga. Then the happy ending of this life will become the best new beginning there is.

The Long Lost Duckman and The Meaning of Life

Who remembers that cartoon on USA Network with a very cranky duck detective as its lead character? The one and only Duckman (voiced by Jason Alexander). It ran from 1994 to 1997 at 10 p.m. Eastern Time, and I used to watch it religiously. Why I was so into it, I can’t really tell you, but at the time, I found it quite fascinating. And of all the innumerable episodes of Duckman that I watched, there is only one that I still remember to this day. And within that one episode, there is only one moment that remains with me presently: Duckman’s meeting with God…

There’s a question we all carry with us unconsciously, moment to moment, and which we sometimes bring to consciousness: What is the meaning of life?? 

For most of us, it’s rare to speak about it at all, and for many of us, rare to even think about it, but it’s lodged in us…deeply. 

A common reason we don’t think or speak about it is because we’re too busy and there are many “more pressing” or “more practical” considerations. Another is that we think it’s unanswerable. Yet a third is that we think it’s obvious: Life is what you make of it.

Duckman played on our unconscious obsession with what it all means in a way I think typifies the importance of the question. It presented an almost climactic recognition of how that very question necessarily underpins everything we do by the illustration of Duckman’s death and subsequent encounter with God.

Of course, a TV show in that time-slot about a wild duck with a George Costanza alter-ego could only mean God is portrayed facetiously, at best - a booming voice amidst billowing clouds who asks Duckman to step into the light, then step out of the light, put his left foot in, take his left foot out, and shake it all about… 

He tells Duckman he wants to give him something to take back to his life on Earth, which he left for heaven prematurely (by a celestial mistake in the records). Duckman interjects to ask for the Super Bowl results ahead of time or a photo of him with some dead celebrities. Clasping his hands together as if in prayer, he anxiously awaits God’s response. God then gives him...an Etch-a-Sketch. 

Duckman is mildly disappointed trying to figure out what to do with it, moving it around as if to examine how it works. On that Etch-a-Sketch, was written what God says is “the ultimate answer to the ultimate question - the meaning of life.” When Duckman looks at the screen, true to Etch-a-Sketch functioning, he sees his motions have erased the content. That’s it. No more meaning of life for Duckman. 

And whether we know it or not, that’s more or less where most of us find ourselves. For those of us who do think we know the meaning of life and it’s just obvious, i.e., the ‘life’s what you make of it’ adage, that approach really lets us off the hook from too much concrete motivation to live meaningfully. In other words, it’s too nebulous to be a guiding force toward experiencing deep and lasting meaning. We may then say, wait, there’s another adage to the adage - it’s all about love. Yet, aren’t we still pretty good at keeping that loose, vague, and if we’re really honest, often peripheral to our day-to-day?

From my vantage point, both of these ideas are actually on target - life is indeed what you make of it, and love we know rightly to be at the heart of that. However, the question remains, how do we make such a central premise central to how we live? And is there not something more to it than these simple cliches which can work well for a certain Hallmark niceness but which quickly become hackneyed and dry?

I honestly like the dramatic flair and marked mystery that Duckman shrouds this question in, i.e., the buildup to Duckman’s death, an encounter with God, God’s ultimate gift, and it all being for naught because of the torment of losing the answer to that ultimate question that matters more than any other… I find the depiction so fitting for the place this question actually holds in our hearts and minds. And I think our ways of typically dealing with this question, by either ignoring it or giving pat answers are ultimately insufficient. They fail to do justice to the utter “ultimateness” of the issue, as Duckman’s God would put it. They let us live practical lives, numb to its extraordinary import.

So what are we left with? Only the chance to explore meaning further. It’s something which has occupied us since time immemorial. Philosophers and religionists have been trying to resolve this along with physicists, evolutionists, psychologists, and artists. The 1960s saw a revolution stemming from lack of meaning, where an entire generation ducked out of their habitual lives to become known as hippies. And in the new millennium, the concern for meaning has entered into the mainstream with a vengeance, even into the workplace! 

Now, studies show that meaning is what most people, especially millennials, are seeking, above other considerations in a career. Meaningful work provides the greatest satisfaction and can spare a company exceptional cost in disengagement and turnover. But what makes something meaningful? Is it only what we make of it? Is there love to be found in the workplace? How do we make this concept of meaning tangible so that it’s actually meaningful?

I was discussing exactly this point with a coaching client in Washington Square Park some time back. I could feel his surprise that we arrived at such a fulcrum of existence in the context of our work. And yet, he also knew that that’s what we’re together seeking. 

When I shared my understanding that there is indeed a meaning - a specific meaning - that we can make of our lives, he was all the more intrigued. I expressed my conclusions, which inspired me to write this piece.

Specific universal meaning to life often makes us dubious. We tend to associate some kind of glory with questions being more important than answers and even questions not having answers that we can know. But I believe we cheat ourselves by asking questions we don’t ever intend to answer or that get answered without thought and implementation.

Living as a monk, I studied the wisdom of the world’s traditions for many years in as much depth as I could. And I made it a point that it’s not to sit in my head. It must be lived for it to be meaningful. What I found was that there is one commonality that resonates most deeply amongst all of the wise. To live a meaningful life means we cannot be at the center. It means we must not live the life of the ego. We must be called to something larger than ourselves rather than enlarging ourselves and pretending our finite little existence - soon to be forgotten - is so meaningful. 

Paradoxically, our lives become meaningful to the degree we don’t think ourselves more meaningful than anyone else. When we break out of the ego and step into the life of service, we contact a meaning beyond anything previously experienced. This is the ultimate gateway.

The meaning of life as I understand it and endeavor to live it is simply pure service. What you can give, not what you can get. Nor what you’ll be remembered for giving. It’s what you can give free of strings, free of attachments, free of ego. What you can give from your heart. From your real, deepest self. Independent of outcome and temporary happenings. That’s a region of transcendence we usually shy away from. And that is where the ultimate meaning lies.

I had an experience that really encapsulated this for me and instantly changed my outlook on the day in a very powerful way. I was heading to the monastery to do my regular service of making flower garlands, but it was the end of an exhausting workweek on a day that ran extremely late, yet again, and would necessarily mean I was up ridiculously late, nodding off while doing the service I love, and in anxiety about preparing for and teaching our weekly Bhagavad-Gita class first thing the next day. To add insult to injury, there were no flowers in the cooler where they are kept for the garland-makers, so I’d have to venture out into the cold and take more time to purchase five bouquets. 

As I was en route to make my reluctant purchase, I found myself in a very strange setting. I was taking one of my treasured shortcuts to get from one block to the next via an apartment complex and park, when suddenly, I saw the gates closing behind me. I thought, ‘Good, I’m just in time!’ As I proceeded to the exit, I found I was too late after all. Locked. So I quickly backtracked, grumbling internally. I got to the entrance gate that was shut behind me only to find it too was locked. I nearly panicked.

My heart was racing as I pushed with all my might. I managed to create a slender opening and barely squeeze through. Relief. Until I noticed there was a second person in the same boat. We were the only people in sight. 

A homeless person, so bundled up I couldn’t tell the gender, tried to get through the gap in the locked up gate. It was no use. I witnessed the scene, trying to keep it to the corner of my eye, so that I could keep it in the back of my mind and not really notice, for I was well on my way. There was a part of me that thought, ‘I have to run because I don’t have any more time and I need to be clean to do this service in the sacred temple.’ I nevertheless turned around, unable to take that shamefully compelling voice of avoidance more seriously than my conscience. I thus stared into the eyes of the human being trapped on the other side. There was no call for help, no communication. Just an understanding that came over me when I gave up my provincial consciousness to allow for the existence of another. This is my opportunity to help. Not my burden. Not even my obligation.

I lifted a bag he or she was trying to fit through the opening and carried it over to my side. Then I pushed the gate the furthest I could muster until my companion at last made it to me.

“God bless you!” was the first thing the person said. It was also not obligatory. Not a “thanks” - “you’re welcome” exchange. It nearly brought me to tears. To overcome my own baggage and appeal to another, and to feel the depth of connection in the words of a total stranger - a stranger that I shamefully would want nothing to do with, and certainly no repeat or deep connection - compounded by the purity of the exchange...it all just bowled me over. As I was about to return to my own state of affairs, this struggling soul spoke.

“You want some socks? It’s cold!”

It was true. It was cold and I was stupidly not wearing socks. I was awestruck that the person looked down at my feet, in the dark, and in the present struggle, not to mention overarching struggle of life. I almost couldn’t find words to respond. I just thanked him or her for caring and being so good. I assured that I would be all right. In response to their still wanting to make sure I couldn’t use socks, I shared that it would be a short time outside and I wouldn’t be too cold. This person was so giving...

I don’t remember exactly the words that came next as we parted ways, I only remember that he or she expressed love for me. And well-wishings for my life. Even as I write this, I feel unworthy and emotional reliving it. I’m a privileged, sheltered kid. All I did was my duty as a fellow human being, and I almost did it begrudgingly or not at all. I wish I could have done so much more than just letting the person through the gate. 

I was simultaneously humiliated and elated. It was such a moving experience that the rest of the night I thought far less about my own woes even though they were causing me real stress and exhaustion. I continued to think about my unlikely friend on the other side of the gate and the heart-to-heart connection based on service. It filled me up and lent spirit to my garlanding. 

Getting outside the grip of the ego is not easy. It never is. But it is more rewarding than anything else in life. This I say with full conviction. As a leader in end-of-life care, Frank Ostaseski, says in his Wisdom 2.0 talk, Inviting the Wisdom of Death into Life: “At the end of life, there are only two things that matter to people - am I loved and did I love well?” 

That means love that flows without the dams of ego which block us from ourselves and each other. It’s not limited, and certainly not to mere family or friends. It encompasses the world and all living beings. It takes over us in a way that is humbling rather than pride-instilling. It’s an accomplishment that doesn’t feel achievement-oriented or worthy of a pat on the back at all. It can be lived at home and at work. There is no cap on it and it need not always be expressed in words. It’s this spirit which makes us lovable to our friends, family, team, and everyone we meet. It makes us trustworthy and enlivened to be our best and offer that for the benefit of this world. Are we prepared to live such a meaningful life?

Start by evaluating each day at it’s close: How many times can I count my ego clearly coming in my own way or the way of another? How many times did I break free and offer pure service to another without expectation or self-congratulation? The more we see our ego, the more we need not be run by it. And the more we offer pure service, the more we shed ego identity to become our real self. It changes our days and builds up increasing momentum for the most meaningful life.

How to Live with No Regrets

I have this pact with myself since I was a small boy that I will live my entire life with no regrets. Do you also share this desire with me? I don’t know anyone who takes the contrary approach and wants to live a life with lots of regrets! I don’t know anyone who desires a single regret at all. But for me, this is serious business.

How am I doing on this, you might ask? Well, it’s a bit complex. To arrive at the outcome of a life with no regrets — it’s a journey, and a circuitous one. Let me start with what prompted me to write this piece, and we can use that concrete example as a thread for a better understanding of a life without regret.

I recently lost an old friend who was a very lovable, innocent little brother to me when we were monks together nearly a decade ago. I helped train him and felt a deep, lasting, affectionate connection with him. He suffered a lot in his life, and I didn’t have a clue just how much he suffered until he was gone. It’s most likely that he took his own life. I was devastated to learn of his death, out of the blue one day, and the grief came at me with mounting force. I had also never been in the surreal position to have to reach out and share the news with others who knew him.

When I first heard of his passing, I thought that life had naturally taken us in different directions and I trusted that there is a divine plan for him which is bigger than the awful tragedy that hit. I still feel this way 100%, but what I didn’t count on was the intensity of my own regret.

I’m not used to thinking consciously about my own regret in the first place because I try to live in a way that will preclude its ever coming to me. Moreover, I’ve never been in a situation where I was a caretaker of someone who later left the planet untimely, in abject misery, and by their own hands.

He had reached out to me sporadically over the years, and I have a trail of correspondence between us leading up to just weeks before his departure. It was always his initiative. But the worst thing of all on my conscience was that there were times when I could not get myself together to respond to him until months later, caught in a deluge of messages, and I was never really that anxious to speak with him. I felt responsible.

It was clear that I could not manage the chaos of life well enough to keep up the relationship to the degree he would have desired. And I didn’t have great confidence that I’d be able to continue to inspire him after we left our monastic lives, nor that I could receive inspiration from him.

The effect of all this was I cried a lot. My wife and I held a sacred ceremony in the hopes of benefiting his soul as well as his loved ones. And I had to do a lot of processing within myself, in prayer, and in numerous conversations to try to bear the weight of my guilt in a healthy way. All the while, I needed to remind myself that this is not about me and I’m no savior for anyone — I only want to be the best person I can be for my friend and for all those on my path. Therefore, I’m very determined to learn the lessons, honor this dear soul, and grow the best I can by some grace, sharing the gift of realizations with others thanks to him. Hence, I write this piece as a hopeful offering.

There are so many things I wish I did differently in my life. There are so many things that embarrass me to this day. There are also so many things I’m all the more embarrassed that I’d not be able to do differently because I’m so limited. Every time I’d go over in my mind how I was in relationship with my late friend, I would come up against this very block. I’m not so special that I could conquer my own humanness and the struggles that kept me from being there for him more. Thinking like this humbled me deeply.

I had to reconcile with the fact that I’m not anything great. I had to become grounded, real, humble, as the self really is. And in this way, I could honestly see myself being helpless to have done anything differently.

Then I asked myself the question — what would I have wanted to do differently if I could have? In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the framework developed by Marshall Rosenberg, there’s a concept of “The Do-Over.” It’s as simple as it sounds — you ask the question I just did and you envision the scene going differently. This practice is so helpful if we actually do it!

When I looked at the past again, I felt a surge of energy. I would have checked in on my friend periodically. I’d have sent him lectures, readings, and quotations that inspired me. I’d have invited him to events that we put on. I’d have spoken with him from time to time. If he was receptive to coaching and it felt right, I’d have found a way to serve him accordingly. There was so much I’d have loved to offer him.

I don’t know that any of it would have kept him alive longer. And he may not have wanted the support or been able to do anything with it. The truth is, had his death come when I was trying to support him so actively, I’d have been much more of a mess, and I have to acknowledge again my own vulnerability and weakness here.

Nevertheless, this opened up my perspective, and it gave me energy to want to serve and become better. It also brought up some frustration and anger. Several times, my friend never responded when I tried to set up a call with him at his own request. And he never told me what he was going through. I had no idea things were so bleak! If I had known this is what was happening, my god, I’d have done something! Anything!

I couldn’t blame him though in spite of the frustration. That was not productive, nor did I have any desire to. And in his situation, the fact that he reached out to me so sweetly always was a testament to his beauty and the beauty of the relationship. It was, however, important to acknowledge and experience everything that was coming up, even the frustration and anger.

I kept thinking — I wish I’d known! But as Devamrita Swami, a senior monk I look up to, shared poignantly when I was a monk myself — “You can only act with the information-base available to you at any given time.” I cling to that insight constantly.

In NVC, there’s a concept called Beneficial Regret. It means we mourn the things we wish had gone better, take responsibility, and try to integrate the new understandings that come for future situations. As NVC trainers Jim and Jori Manske point out, this is meant to be done without self-punishment. They also outline what growth looks like for one successfully practicing Beneficial Regret:

“Consistent willingness to openly own oneʹs part in outcomes that did not meet needs; willingness to feel and express regret; [seeking] learning and growth.”

This resonates deeply with all of our work at Upbuild and my own life experience. The only way out is through. And through means not bypassing. It means going through it, with our hearts. That means feeling the difficult feelings, not avoiding them.

What you resist, persists. Avoiding, as we’re conditioned towards, will not do us any good.

And if we look at what the sacred texts teach in every wisdom tradition around the world — repentance is a core theme. Today, we get the unfortunate image of a religious zealot holding up a punitive finger with burning eyes, and yelling, “Repent!!” But true repentance is something else.

Repentance means remorse. It means my heart feels bad because I wish I could do more. It recognizes our honest limitations. But it’s an alive heart that feels that negativity which points us to where we want to go that we have not yet been.

And it builds authenticity within ourselves as well as deep connection with others by being real and heartfelt. If we didn’t feel bad when other people are hurting or we could have done something more for the good of ourselves or others, we’d be callous. Our hearts call us to feel. And that feeling of care is expressed by regret. Genuine regret respects anyone affected by a situation, including ourselves. And it invites connection to ourselves and to others.

So we are actually meant to repent. We are meant to feel for what others go through and the effects of our actions or the lack thereof. It’s human and it’s healing. The irony is that dancing around trying to live a life without regret will only produce more of what we’re endeavoring to escape in the long run.

I’ve never reflected so much on regret as I have now in the absence of my friend. And I’ve never seen the importance of doing so with the clarity I experience now. Let us make sure we are crystal clear in what we are taking away here for a life with no regrets.

To live with no regrets is processing all the regrets that necessarily come up. It’s owning them. Not wallowing in them or using them as ammunition for my Inner Critic to pulverize me. Not enticing others to rub things in my face because I admit my regrets to them. It’s being with the feeling of remorse, the care that softens my heart and connects me to all others, allowing me to grow wiser.

In summary, it’s not fleeing from, suppressing, or stewing in the guilt of our past actions, but working through the guilt. How do we work through the guilt? It’s as straightforward as acknowledging our regret and desiring to grow from the realizations that come. I can feel what I feel, process the different aspects and complexities, as I’ve tried to here in the case of my lost friend, and mine for lessons, asking, “What would be my Do-Over?”

And if we’re truly honest, regrets are a daily affair. When we look back on our lives, how many of us would want to continue doing all of the things we were doing in the past which we no longer do? Why do we change our ways? We regret the effects of our habits constantly, even in the form of unconsciously wondering how we could have a better experience, become better, or do more. When we regret bad habits or anything that keeps us locked in our present mode, holding us back from further potential, we gain fuel to give up those habits eventually and to reach newer and newer heights.

Regrets never disappear. They serve a purpose. And when we embrace them in this light, paradoxically, we don’t regret anything in life. It is all strongly growing us.

The Thin Line Between Authenticity and Diplomacy

Picture an elderly man, a king of ancient times, sitting in a giant stadium in the best seats of the house, overlooking a competition between two sets of young men. On one side are his sons, and on the other side are his nephews, whom he raised as sons after his dear brother departed the world prematurely. This competition is important because it symbolizes the future path for the kingdom. 

The king is blind. He can’t see any of the skills being exhibited as the young men display their martial prowess. All he can do is hear. His wise advisor narrates to him what is happening. 

His nephews are putting his own sons to shame. The king wants to be neutral. He’s expected to be neutral. He is, after all, the king of the land. Justice lies in his hands. It would be petty to choose favorites, period, what to speak of with such pure, innocent young men who know him as their very father. 

The king’s heart sinks. His sons, in contrast to the virtuous nature of his nephews, are narcissistic and would do anything for their own aggrandizement. His sons want to destroy their cousins to eliminate the competition, literally. The king’s weakness is that he feels his sons reflect more on him than do his nephews. 

In his heart, the king knows that the kingdom depends on his ability to muster the courage of disciplining his tyrannical sons and setting a clear, firm, empathetic and altruistic culture. And even deeper in his heart, he knows the kingdom would be in the very best hands if his nephews were to eventually inherit the throne. What does the king do?

This is the scene that struck me profoundly while reading the great Indian epic, Mahabharata (translated literally to mean “The History of Greater India”). It is within this exceptional work that the Bhagavad-Gita is derived – a tiny fragment at the center of the epic, made into a book of its own for its intensely concentrated delivery of wisdom.

The king begins speaking poetically to his advisor about how absolutely wonderful his beloved nephews are. Does he feel that? No. He holds in his angst and doesn’t let it leak out even slightly.

How mature of him, no? He won’t let the negativity out. He protects his nephews and the kingdom from any ill feeling.

But then where does the negativity go?

Nowhere. It stays. It stews.

The king is seething with envy and anger, but he cannot admit it to himself, much less anyone else. Instead, he tries to suppress. Tries to pretend. That always backfires…

He uses diplomacy to make everything sound nice and pacify all parties. But it’s utterly inauthentic. He hasn’t examined his real feelings and has no intention of doing so. It’s easier to do what’s expected. 

We often follow the same pattern. Just say what needs to be said. We reason that it’s doing the right thing, anyway. We’re just speaking what’s right…

The moral dilemma is that sometimes diplomacy is necessary. If we always spoke our minds uncensored, we’d be in a lot of hot water! Even if we were mild in the way we shared our honest thoughts, without sufficient diplomacy, we’d simply not be fit to navigate this complex world. 

It’s naïve to think we need no filter. Child-like innocence is attractive, but practicality, and people’s feelings, as well as the necessity to get things done, demand that we do not show up like a child. That’s called immature.

So then what of authenticity? Isn’t this one of the most honorable values of all? Do we all just grow cynical and lose ourselves to practical necessity where we can never again trust in real sincerity?

I faced an incident in my life that came to mind spontaneously and helped inform me of the line we need to walk with authenticity and diplomacy.

I was celebrating a sacred day at a spiritual gathering outside of New York City. There was a man hosting the event, whom I just so happened to know too much about… I’d never seen or met him before. Just knew of him. What I knew of his actions disturbed me deeply, but it was not my place to judge, nor did I have any influence to leverage. I planned to, instead, steer clear.

Then I had to pass him by. 

I said nothing. 

He stopped me.

“Hari Prasada!” 

Oh my…

He embraced me. Tightly.

“What an honor to have you!” 

‘Thanks,’ I smiled back. ‘Honor to be here…’

“I hope you enjoyed the program. I know it’s not New York, but we try to reach New York standard. What do you think?”

‘Yeah! Very nice! Really appreciate your service. Thanks for welcoming me.’

“You know, you should really speak the next time we have a gathering! We need your wisdom and experiences. That would be fantastic.”

I bowed shyly.

‘You know, I don’t have much wisdom but some experiences. I’m just a struggling soul trying my best to walk the spiritual path. Really… But thank you.’

“Man, you have the real thing – humility. Says a lot about you.”

He embraced me. Tightly.

“Have a wonderful night! So great to have you.”

I wished him the same.

Was I diplomatic in my approach? Certainly.

Was I inauthentic?

That’s trickier. I didn’t reveal all that was in my heart. You rarely can find a soul with whom you can play all your cards. I was definitely not going to find that in this soul… There must be trust.

But was I really inauthentic by not revealing all that was in my heart? I meant all that I spoke. I tried to view him as a soul. Tried to reciprocate with his gestures. Tried not to be colored.

Would I work with him? No. Would I engage intimately? No. But would I be kind? Yes. I decided I would be. Actually, he decided that first. I simply reciprocated…

The measure of authenticity is two-fold, based upon intention and result. 

Is your intention to get something for yourself? Or are you trying to be of genuine service? Are you trying to hurt? Or trying to heal? Suppress? Or progress? 

Then judge the tree by its fruit. What momentum has been created as a result of your approach? Greater desire to get or to serve? To hurt or to heal? Suppress or progress?

It’s easy to say, “that’s an ugly shirt… I’m just being honest.” It’s likewise easy in the work world to point out how someone’s performance doesn’t cut it and consider that noble with the self-identity that “I’m straightforward,” “I’m direct,” “I don’t BS,” “I breed performers,” “I tell it like it is,” “I win.” And people will often admire me. But there are heavy human costs. And those build up to heavy costs in inspiration and typically in performance. 

What we want is to walk the line of being authentic while also diplomatic so that we don’t lose consideration for the other person, our relationship, and what will genuinely offer inspiration that every human being needs. The Bhagavad-Gita teaches that our communication should be “truthful, beneficial, and pleasing.” That is the bar. And that will make the biggest impact. 

People often rise to the occasion when we treat them as people. And if there’s an issue, and certainly with workplace performance, we can still speak about it directly and authentically. We just need to always keep the dignity of diplomacy rather than give mouthpiece to our wild, uncontrolled, unfiltered minds (and all the more so when we’re feeling heated), if we want the best effect for ourselves, the other, and our culture.

I learned an invaluable lesson from this unexpected and unwanted interaction, which really hit home much later during the discussion in one of our Bhagavad-Gita classes. This is why we must take our experiences with us and process them in the right environment, if we wish to really profit from them for personal growth.

When I left the gathering that night with this man I’d need diplomacy for, rather than feeling I had sold out, I felt infinitely lighter. Something substantial had been lifted. My heart felt for this person. And even as he fished for compliments, I could feel the external sheen concealing a fragile ego, which we all have and deal with in different ways. I could empathize without condoning or speaking anything I didn’t mean. My heart felt for him. And I was grateful for his stepping forward so I could come to this realization.

My only intention was to be cordial and gentlemanly to a fellow spiritualist in a complex situation that was very challenging for me. The result was a powerful release that I pray always stays with me, and for which, I am grateful.

By contrast, the old, blind king's poetry to his advisor in the martial arena about how wonderful his nephews are was an unconscious ruse with the intention of pacifying everyone so he could go on seething with envy and anger that would ultimately result in a world war. It was on that battlefield that the Bhagavad-Gita was spoken.

Were the king to have examined his intentions, he would have seen the illness within, and the result would have been vastly different. He would not be able to whitewash the envy of his nephews who were pure at heart and extremely talented, overshadowing his sons in lovability and skill. Kind words and saying the right things wouldn’t suffice. He’d have to get advice from his advisor and work through the pain in his heart. An entire war would have been prevented by this simple, humble, honest act of seeing the negativity at heart and asking for help to work through it.

We each have the choice to live examined lives or unexamined lives. The consequences of the latter are heavy. Let us begin by measuring the authenticity behind our necessary diplomacy. 

When was the last time you needed to be diplomatic? What was your intention, and what was the result?

A Takeaway for 2020: Letting Go of the Results

My Dear Upbuild Community,

This has been a formative year for all of us occupying the planet together. The trials and tribulations have never been more formidable on a global scale. Suddenly, no one can escape completely. The global village has led to global catastrophe. It’s never been more obvious how much we need help to raise humanity above its present condition of misfortune. We face a health crisis, climate crisis, racial crisis, political crisis, socio-economic crisis, species extinction crisis, and crisis upon crisis, as serious as they get, ad infinitum. But all are inextricably connected by one thing – a consciousness of selfishness. That is all.

I wrote about the health crisis in The Spiritual Dilemma Within a Pandemic, Vipin wrote about the racial crisis in We Are Not Our Bodies, I wrote about the climate and species extinction crisis in The Consequence of Not Caring About Consequence, and I spoke to the political crisis in Our Nationwide Wake-up Call. There’s always much more to address, but for now, and as always, I’d like to focus on what’s behind it all, which is also our only way out – consciousness.

What consumes your consciousness? In our workshops, we emphasize it is the desire to control, and thus we call our default state – The Controlling Consciousness. Specifically we try to control others and our environments to get the validation our egos crave. We try to get the world to make us feel like we are a secure self. We ache to know we are who we think we should be. And we require others to tell us that we really are! But it doesn’t work, because we’re not who we think we should be. Nor do others exist to give us a sense of identity.

Control to get what we want is the consciousness that created all of our messes, macro and micro. When we stop caring about anything else, it leads to definite destruction. Control out of the desire to serve others with a sense of responsibility is necessary. Control for providing the most beneficial offerings to ourselves and others is exemplary. And self-control is critical. But consciousness defined by control and driven by our ego is the opposite.

To stop being controlled by the desire to control is not a small feat! The sacred text we’ve lived to study and teach for so many years – The Bhagavad-Gita – is entirely about this most foundational of all afflictions. The attachment to control runs ever so deep and it pervades everything we think and everything we do. It’s as subtle as can be, and it only lets us be when we are acutely aware of the tendency.

Yet, even with awareness, which is one of the most powerful forces in existence, and a lynchpin of our work at Upbuild, still, the struggle does not abate. The degrees of selfishness and obstinacy of our desire to control will vary widely from person to person and moment to moment according to awareness. But the desire – to have things our way, arrive at the outcomes we want, have people see us as we expect – that is as formidable as the crises which result.

This year did not go my way. I started off with a personal retreat that was life-changing. It was the first time I ever did something like this by myself, for myself. I wrote about it in my Takeaway for 2019 and that writing helped me to follow through on it. I spent the first six weeks of the year (two weeks on retreat and four weeks thereafter) with better and more sacred habits than I had even in my five years as a monk!

I woke up consistently at 4 a.m. and did my morning meditation immediately, read sacred texts voraciously, exercised, and flowed with a sense of connection to my real self that was exhilarating amidst the calm. I’ve had greater excitement in my life. But I’ve never had greater calm. And that was more exciting!

I planned to have small retreats at regular intervals to keep this spirit going throughout the year and throughout my life! I calendared them and set the schedule with particular agendas for each, just as I did for the first. I conducted Upbuild workshops that would typically take everything out of me and disrupt my sacred habits for weeks at a stretch. This time there was no disruption. I was spiritually surcharged while working my hardest. It was surreal – a miracle I’d prayed for over the last 14 years.

Then I got sick for two weeks from not sleeping enough. That was not what I had in mind! Then I had to adjust my expectations – never what I have in mind. Then came a monumental pandemic that disrupted the world in an unprecedented manner. Disruption after disruption of every kind, and no ability to stay true to my greatest hopes. Perhaps even worse than this is the feeling of being fooled – I believed in my hopes. Not knowing what to trust and what’s possible or for how long is a heavy burden. Every time I’d toil like anything to get myself on track, I’d eventually be thwarted. That thwarting would last longer and feel more definitive than the progress made!

I see this as a metaphor for much of life. We desire, desire, desire. And when the results come, they lock us in the game to desire more… When they don’t come, we obsess over cracking the code and experience great frustration in so doing, until we have our moments of feeling on top again, which are, for even the best of us, just that – moments. Not even Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan could stay on top forever. Steve Jobs ultimately had to leave this world, as we all do. All results are temporary. All desire is perpetual.

What are we doing?! Are we not like the ant who labors to get the piece of food over the rock? Are we not Sisyphus pushing our boulder up the hill and then starting all over the next day? Is the pep talk about enjoying the journey to the top really going to make up for that? Is the self-help pump-up about how much we’re capable of doing and being going to solve the situation?

This year, I lost two of the people who meant most to me – one to Covid-19 and the other to cancer. Both are my spiritual heroes and nothing can ever make up for the loss. I’ve shed so many tears and I still feel bereft without them. One was a black, American lady, hailing from Cleveland, who some of you got to meet at our Remembering Who We Are – Krsnanandini Devi. The other was a Calcutta-born Indian man who I didn’t get to meet enough while he was here – Bhakti Charu Swami. Both were so different. One a mother of 10, the other a life-long monk. Both were self-realized souls - fully identified with the soul. They understood they are not their bodies, minds, or egos. They gave up their egos. Completely. I want the presence of these luminaries back with me and for all of you, but I’ve found that the best way to bring them back is to meditate on their instructions. I try to keep both Krsnanandini Devi and Bhakti Charu Swami safely tucked away in my heart and to meet them there. And I find somehow there they are. 

It didn’t go my way that they left, but they were not without their parting gifts. They gave me an extraordinary window into the mission of the Gita through their lives. It all comes down to giving up the results of our activities for a higher purpose. They were not afraid to give up anything. Not even their lives. They both knew they would die, and they were totally free. Happy. Neither accomplished everything they dreamed of in service to humanity, but both succeeded wildly. Both were detached from anything beyond what was meant to be.

I had a conversation with Krsnanandini Devi some weeks before she departed and then later asked a question of her during a talk she gave nearly from her deathbed. In each interaction, I found she was urging me toward surrender. Let go and let God. Be free. What are you carrying all these weights for? I felt her imploring me.

In 2015, when I stayed with my guru, Sacinandana Swami, who also has spoken to the Upbuild community, I asked him if he had any personal instruction for me. It was a night or two before I would depart his hallowed home in Germany, and I was very nervous to ask this groundbreaking question I can’t remember ever asking him before or after. He looked at me with surprise, readiness, and a big smile.

“Your plan, not mine.” 

That was all he said. I have a T-shirt, thanks to a dear friend and Gita student, which allows me to now wear this expression which I can never forget from that night in Germany.

We can continue to make all our plans. My retreats are still a life-giving staple and something I look forward to always. There are so many responsibilities and services for which I must plan and execute all the time. But unless I care more for a higher purpose than my own purpose, how can I say that my plans are satisfactory? And what is the ultimate test of purpose? When things don’t go my way. Can we still plan and see that there is something else being planned for me?

This is the difference between a life well-lived and a life crippled by anxiety. I know the latter very well. The former is all too elusive. But I am not giving up. And when I see the life well-lived directly before me, how can I deny its possibility? When Sacinandana Swami, Krsnanandini Devi, Bhakti Charu Swami, and so many great souls are modeling this, how can I pretend it’s not available? Not a necessity?

The other day, I had a striking conversation with my father-in-law while staying with my wife’s family in Toronto where I am currently writing to you from. Growing up in Lucknow, India, he saw his mother lose an immense amount of wealth going from riches to rags, lose her husband at a very young age, and have to raise a family of eight kids with no money, all on her own. It was an impossible situation. How did she manage? How did she get through it? Happily! Did she want any of this tragedy? Did she like the extreme difficulty and horrific uncertainty? Absolutely not. But she recognized it was not up to her. There was a superior plan. And if not superior in goodness, certainly superior in power. What would be the use in resisting it?

It turns out, she was a very self-realized soul on the spiritual path. She trusted in everything that came to be, no matter how dark and unending. My father-in-law carried these impressions deeply. They shaped him. When he had a severe heart attack, the hospital staff expressed their disbelief at his completely calm, jovial spirit. Years later, when he had chest pain that felt like another heart attack, he called 911 and the medic who rushed onto the scene expressed the same utter disbelief. This has happened to my guru regularly as he’s been on the brink of death so many times.

Dad Singh, as I call him, told me of times when he was on top working at GE, as if he could do no wrong and praised famously. He also told me of times when he could do no right at GE, accused wrongly and constantly. In either case, he showed up the same way – ready for whatever is meant to be, even if he didn’t like it. 

When I was in Croatia celebrating my guru’s birthday in 2014, he took me to a concert where he sang kirtan – musical meditation – for a packed house at a prestigious yoga studio. There were hundreds of people all cheering for him with great jubilation. He looked at me shyly and held my hand as we walked to his position on the stage. Then he spoke: “…Save me!” “Whether they’re all cheering for me or whether they’re all booing at me, it is always the same. …Save me! …Save me!”

In 12-step programs, the aforementioned phrase “let go and let God” is frequently used. Give yourself over to a higher power. This is the fundamental platform from which the journey to recovery begins. There’s been outstanding efficacy to this methodology as documented by numerous studies and countless anecdotes. I’m very close to former addicts who have been sober decade after decade and swear by this principle. Could there not then be something here for us who have the addiction to control?

Gabor Mate in his Ted Talk, The Power of Addiction and The Addiction of Power, which we screen and discuss at Upbuild events, makes the case that the “us and them” mentality we take toward addicts is entirely false. We think they are other. But we are all addicts, trying to fill the vacuum in our hearts. It’s perhaps the best Ted Talk I’ve ever heard, spoken from deep realization and about something so crucial. To treat our own addiction, we, too, need a methodology, and I find the starting point to be universally applicable – Let go and let God.

After speaking to Dad Singh and reflecting more on my life, especially in the light of my guru, Krsnanandini Devi, and Bhakti Charu Swami’s teachings, it became abundantly clear to me that I need to change something. I’ve been striving to make headway for so many years, but something needs to give way for me to finally progress on this front.

I saw myself through the eyes of those more experienced on the path than me. I saw my own striving to serve every living being as purely as I know how, dedicating each moment of my day, day after day, as a sacred offering. I saw I was doing my best. I am doing my best. I am limited. I am weak. I still have so much ego left in me. I am not great. But I am trying with all my heart. And with all the obstacles, all the constraints, pressures, failures, and frustrations, I am giving all that I can at my present level. I cannot expect more. It will not help to expect more. It also will not help to compromise my vision or lessen the striving toward higher levels. But I want to be happy with all that I’m giving and all that I’m receiving. I’m tired of being a more spiritually-inclined Sisyphus! 

I’ve gotten a good practice-run for the last several days living with less entitlement, trying to better accept what comes, good, bad, and ugly. I’m in suspense because this consciousness is not mine to possess. I can’t completely control the mentality of giving up control! But I can see a shift that my wife declared as night and day. I have experienced a freedom that I haven’t known previously. And it comes from striving to do everything in my power to serve while recognizing nothing will ever fully go my way, even with the best intentions. Let go and let God is the only path to emancipation from being controlled by the desire to control. I am now making a conscious decision when I feel the incessant pain of attachment for results to say: “Your plan, not mine.”

I used to wear that shirt and fear what would happen when I did. There seemed to be more upsets each time I wore it! But now I don’t want to fear. I didn’t want to fear then either, I just wasn’t willing to see that there is another plan in operation, which I’m but a tiny part of, whether I like it or not. I have my role to play, but the plan is not mine to sway. 

If we want to break free of the macro and micro-crises, it all comes down to consciousness. We all long to be untouched by this tumultuous world. We all long to be steady during every storm. We all long to be who we truly are, unshakably. Emerging from the wilderness of 2020 into an unknown future, why don’t we give our hearts to this cause and help everyone to be free?

Elon Musk and Ancient Indian Texts Suggest We’re Living in The Matrix

 What if we all live in a massive video game? What if there’s no reality to our world as we know it beyond someone else’s concoction where we play temporary roles with wins and losses? 5000 years ago, the oldest surviving texts we have today portray such a shocking picture of reality.

I lived as a monk for five years rigorously studying and teaching Indian Vedic texts as my primary focus. I continue to study and teach them to this day, and what I’ve gleaned is that our reality is very much akin to the movie The Matrix, which we screen and use as a teaching tool in our course The Call to Awaken.

The Vedic literatures of ancient India are an immense body of work numbering many hundreds of books and amounting to millions of poetic, philosophical verses that are all inconceivably united in describing the one complex reality of Maya, or illusion. Through the fascinatingly sophisticated lens of the Vedas, we peer into a Matrix-esque world where humans act out different roles, disconnected from who they really are in a construct where they ignorantly and blissfully live out their non-lives. It’s a prison with golden bars. This is the illusory world of Maya – literally, “that which is not.” And a prison is most sinister when its inmates have no idea they’re locked up…

The efficacy of Maya, as explained by the Vedic texts, is how it encourages its very captives to be cooperative in their own capturing! It’s the same genius of Aldous Huxley in his striking presentation of a Brave New World. Everyone is joyfully medicated by sex, drugs, and the other pleasures we commonly seek. Therefore no one rebels. No one wakes up. A perfect prison.

Enter: Elon Musk. I was absorbed in a lively coaching session with a bright startup founder, when this coachee and friend began looking deeper into the nature of reality with me. Noticing similarities to my experience with the Vedic texts, he enthusiastically pointed me the way of Elon Musk. When I did some research into Musk’s views, I found the tech giant claims there’s one billionth of a chance we don’t live in a simulation like The Matrix! I was intrigued.

Musk reasons that roughly 40 years ago, “we began gaming with a set of rectangles and a dot called Pong.” Today, “we have photorealistic universes” we can step into, that every year come closer and closer to virtual realities we can live in. Even if the rate of advancement in technology were to be reduced by a thousand times or so, in a thousand years from now, (which Musk points out is no time at all in the scheme of things), what will games look like? What will our world look like? Will we be able to distinguish the difference? These observations lead him to conclude that our current world is more likely than not a simulation!

Regardless of whether or not you find this a compelling argument, we can see there’s something rather haunting in the setup. And Musk is not alone in his perspective. As touched upon with The Matrix and Brave New World, not to mention The Truman Show, there have been a great many who’ve fantasized about this idea and set it forth in novels and cinema, as well as bold philosophers, and even physicists, who’d proclaim some version of this to be non-fiction.

So what if we do live in a simulation that’s less real than we think? Let’s say we dare to entertain the idea. Do we really need another disempowering perspective we can’t do anything about? Just one day reading the news or reflecting on what happens in the Oval Office is enough disempowerment for a lifetime. Living in a concocted game-world would be the very height of exercises in futility, right? Not quite. According to the Vedic wisdom, there’s a lot we can do! But it all hinges on recognizing what is and what is not (Maya), who we are and who we are not.

‘You can be anything you want to be’ we’re idealistically taught from a very early age. True, if you put on a mask. ‘You can try on anything you want to be’ would be more accurate. But to be what you try on is insanity.

Today we’ve become more enchanted by the concept of authenticity than ever before. Why? I believe it’s because we’ve come so far away from who we really are that we crave air in a world that reinforces the suffocating sense I can’t be who I am. I have to cling to my mask, or I won’t be good enough to survive and thrive on this planet where “perception is reality.” That’s illusion. Now, we may not all become self-realized in our lifetimes as the Vedic texts brilliantly envision and implore us towards, but we can take steps not to get lost in an ephemeral world.

There is a self within us that is not the same as who we actively think we are. We think we are the voice of the mind and we equate that to being the same as our present body. The fallacy here is that our thoughts are ever-changing, as are our bodies, and the person that harmonizes who we were as infants with who we are today has nothing to do with the outer layers of mind or body. Our minds and bodies are nothing now like they were back then. In fact, every seven years, there’s not one cell in us that remains from the previous seven years. And yet, we are the same person, though unrecognizable from these external vantage points.

What confuses us most is that everyone else identifies themselves with their minds and bodies as well. And so instead of being who we really are deep down, we get lost in a world of illusory pleasures and pains and wins and losses, participating in a societal situation that becomes a veritable hall of mirrors – Maya.

We all have our masks that we wear for the public. We like people to like us. We fear people may not. We have to be good enough, smart enough, strong enough, capable enough, charming enough, sexy enough. So we do ourselves up. We put on a mask we hope will convince, first ourselves, that we are who we want to be, and then hopefully the people in our lives. That’s how we fit into the world and contribute to the world. Morpheus in The Matrix calls it “residual self-image.” How you think you are then gets projected as your personality to the world. And now you have your secure place in The Matrix... 

But it’s simply not you. And your secure sense of belonging is to a prison.

The best place to operate from is who we really are, not a projection. But what’s often closer to us is who we’re not. That can start the peeling of the onion. By seeing the masks we take on to appear the way we want to ourselves and others, we suddenly have the choice to remove them. This is immediately frightening and freeing.

We can strive to be our best without striving to convince ourselves we’re enough. Without trying to prove. How many moments in the day do you have where, after sincere introspection, you can say you really have nothing to prove?

Even when we’re victorious in proving something, the pressure to keep proving continues. The best is when we can be our humble, honest, truest selves, and strive from there. Nothing to prove. To strive in this way is to try our best to improve ourselves, not to convince ourselves or anyone else of who we are or what we’re capable of. 

For example, I can tell you that when I get feedback which is painful and makes me feel like I need to prove I'm better than what the person is saying about me, I have to pause. I have to think about where I'm at, where I want to get to in becoming a more mature and helpful person, and how this feedback can support me to gradually get closer. Sometimes the answer is it won't, and that's very clarifying, but I'm always hungry to grow however I can, without trying to control what people think of me or what I think of myself.

In the work setting, this is the most crucial key for effective culture and effective teams - allowing ourselves and one another to be who we are without trying to prove. This is what creates the psychological safety for everyone to be free to be their best. It’s the same at home and in relationships. But it means we have to take time to unplug from the world of the external and illusory Maya to be with ourselves. It means we have to start taking off the masks we’ve been using to fit in and navigate the world with a secure sense of self based on how we’ll feel worthy. It means we have to go against the conditioning that’s been there for as long as we can remember. We must catch the unseen force that impels us to obscure who we are out of fear that we’re not enough as we are. We must catch the force that moves us to prove ourselves to ourselves at every moment, without cease, exhaustingly. 

I don’t believe Musk has a plan for how to get out of the video game. There’s no question of getting out without first understanding what we’re in. If we see the masks we use to prove we’re something worthy, that’s exceptional. And if we start removing them, then soon enough, the game is up. The simulation breaks down when we break free of the masks of who we think we should be.

The Suffering That Ends All Suffering

The ego is made up of designations. There’s a Sanskrit word upadhi which means – designations. Identities within the overarching identity. In our search for self-worth, we attach ourselves to all these upadhis or designations. We have innumerable mini-identities.

I’m a good father, a great athlete, I’m someone who keeps in shape, I’m a calm person, a reliable friend, I’m handsome, I’m sexy, I’m sharp as a knife, I’m a team player, I’m this, I’m that. We grasp after whatever we can to stay afloat, so we have something to hold onto, something that makes us feel like we’re somebody.

The problem is we are not our upadhis. We never are. Just as we’re not our egos, we can never be the role we play or the specific projection of who we think we should be. 

The self craves to be released from those coverings which suffocate it. It’s almost as if we’re trying to suffocate the self so we never have to deal with its painful cries again. That’s the extent to which we run after and stick to our upadhis.

Interestingly, I became a monk to try to liberate my suffering soul from all these upadhis. I gave up being a writer, a filmmaker, a creative visionary, a doer, a dynamic force, a leader, a romantic, a hopeful attractor of the opposite sex. 

It was so hard… I really felt my ego pining to make me stop. Give me some sustenance, it seemed to yell at me from within. Almost sympathetically.

Perhaps the worst thing was starving myself from being a writer. I purposely neglected my foremost identity and sense of dharma in the world. I did this not to be masochistic, and not for forever, but to allow myself a chance to try to be free of all upadhis.

It was a training ground – to let go, and know I could survive. I knew I’d reclaim these roles when I’d matured to the point of not needing them for my sense of identity. I would take up being a writer again – without the upadhi of being a writer… Those are very distinct, and we fail to recognize the difference.

The challenge is that even when we miraculously do recognize the difference, the ego is so desperate, and so tricky, that it subtly presents us with the designations under the radar of our conscious mind. And so, unconsciously, the designation gets stickier and stickier.

I passed my own test as a monk. I waited for years before being a writer again. And I survived. That was formative for me and very powerful.

But what I wasn’t as aware of is that the ego still needs something to grasp. So I was a monk. That was my upadhi!

The ego will chase us to the ends of the earth. And some upadhis are more innocent than others. Some upadhis can bring us closer to who we are. But the moment we think it’s us, we’re in trouble. Then what happens when it falls away?

I’m no longer a monk… That was an identity crisis! 

I’m not always a good emailer… Identity crisis!

I’m not always a good garbage-man for the home… Identity crisis!

I’m not always a good this or that… Identity crisis!

The only identity that actually works is the identity of the self. For there is never a time when I am not my self. Throughout eternity, and even after death, this simply cannot change. It is the only thing about me that is unchanging. Nothing else…

Just this past week, I found myself unable to sleep one night. I’d gotten an email that made me question the upadhi that stuck closest to me since I was five years old and first put crayon to poster paper to scribble ghost stories… I felt my capability as a writer was in question. Identity crisis!

It was excruciating. It stayed with me all week, writhing within me. The ego screaming in the form of self-doubt and malaise.

I got another message that made me think one of my clients wasn’t enthused by our work together. Suddenly, I’m not a good coach. I relived that pain again and again, uncontrollably. I’m pouring my heart and soul into this and it’s not making the impact? How can it be? I guess I’m not a good coach. Identity crisis…

But then I realized something that brought me back in time. Into the history of my spiritual journey. Something within whispered to me: 

Remember the upadhis you were trying to avoid as a monk, dear Hari Prasada? They may have crept back in surreptitiously…

A revelation! I understood that I must be even more on my toes to see what is so painful to see, but what is even more painful to not see. 

These upadhis are suffocating the soul. My ego clings to them, but at the cost of the soul’s very life. That cannot continue.

And yet, if it were so easy to just give up all designations the moment I willed it, I’d have become self-realized 14 years ago! So what to do?!

The only thing we can do is be aware of them, and then not feed them. Just like the ego itself – for all the mini-identities our egos continuously grasp at, we must treat them the same way. Be aware of them. Look within. Be fearless as you can be. And don’t feed them…

Then the self gets a little oxygen. The ego still screams its needy anthems at us. But the soul can move a little freer inside. In course of time, when the ego has no more food to sustain itself, and the soul is nourished by spiritual practice, the soul becomes strong enough to break free. To outlive the ego. Then we become truly alive. And our only identity is the self. A pure, free, humble, happy, loving servant of all living beings, always.

Now, my new anthem to quiet the ego’s noisy one: You’re right, I’m not a writer. I’m not a coach. I’m a servant. What a relief!

The Spiritual Dilemma Within a Pandemic

I told myself, I don’t want to write another contribution to the cacophony of coronavirus consciousness. We’ve got 7.8 billion perspectives out there, as virtually every single human being is suddenly faced with the same situation. There are plenty of thoughts recorded at this stage, and there are going to be more and more and more, even after the crisis subsides. It’s an overwhelming inundation. Why add to it? 

But it’s a bit awkward to speak of anything unrelated to Covid-19 at this bizarre moment in history. Frankly, it’s as much on my mind as anyone else’s. There’s so much that requires processing. My aspiration here is to change our orientation from one steeped in the clear and present danger outside to one that helps us transcend the fear, not only with Covid-19, but the fear that is always near, buried within us. Therefore I sincerely pray that what I say here is somehow most constructive and genuinely addresses our needs at this time, and far beyond.

The Battle for Consciousness

As a spiritualist and former monk who knows the necessity of sanctity, I’m torn between two worlds. There’s the world of my inner convictions, and the world I’m exposed to mercilessly every day. The former demands I shut out the world I’m exposed to externally to a very large extent. For my convictions lie in a life that is internal; richer than the eye can see. But the latter, the world I’m exposed to, does not let me do so, for it would be callous to reject the senseless suffering of so many souls. It breaks my heart to no end. How then, can I simply concentrate on the self, the life within, when there is so much pain outside?

I, like you, am constantly bombarded by the news of the outside world. I’ve been advised by mentors who are very self-realized that I must be careful what news I consume, for it will soon consume me. I agree. Yet, uncharacteristically, since Friday, March 6th, I’ve been endlessly trying to understand what the hell is happening to us with the outbreak of Covid-19. It was on that day, at the last second, we did not board our flight to Atlanta where we were to conduct an Upbuild workshop. Inconceivably, we stayed home. 

From that day forward, I’ve found myself unable to stop reading and hearing about this terrible disease and its myriad consequences. This is a new experience for me since monastic life. For days and days on end, I’ve been on a quest to grasp the world around me and what is my responsibility so that I gain a clearer outlook and can orient accordingly. 

I find that the reactions to our current situation can be divided into another kind of bi-partisan lines - the optimists and the realists. From the optimists, we get hope. And from the realists, we understand severity. When you understand the severity, it’s hard to be positive! And when you’re positive, it’s hard to stay with severity! 

The self is both positive and realistic. Those who are able to intelligently integrate the two are rare. If we manage to strike this delicate balance, we’re primed to take prodigious steps in our lives, without leaving the world behind. Rather, we invite the world into a better state of being. 

This has been true since time immemorial. 

It is sure that to be lost in the sea of endless information and fear will disrupt our connection within. I’ve experienced it firsthand throughout this ordeal. Following the waves of the media hardly benefits the people or situations reported on. And shutting out the news does not shut out our care for the world. 

Turning off the TV or closing our browser should never mean turning off or closing our hearts. To turn on a distraction or to live in make-believe happier times cannot address the need for realism. Neither can drowning in society’s sorrows serve anyone, disconnected from the need for positivity. Whatever our coping mechanisms, while human and maybe even needed at times, they’re thoroughly insufficient to the self.

I’m ashamed that I currently feel closer to the world out there than to my own self. In earnestly trying to make sense of the outside world, which is natural and often necessary, I must still be aware of the unintended side-effects which can quickly become a most terrible cost. In fixing my attention externally, I’ve ever so subtly loosened my attention on the reality within. Then the experience of the world immediately becomes more real than the experience of the self.  

But there’s everything to be gained by reclaiming the self. That is the highest example we can set for anyone else. And it’s actually selfless, for that is the core quality of the self. 

Even now, during this time of blatant suffering, we must recognize and remember that by focusing on the self, we are selfless, and therefore can actually be of greatest service.

Being Who We Are in Pandemonium

Before we can come to the point of reclaiming who we are, our real selves, we’re forever faced with immediate impositions from the world. It should not come as a surprise to us, for that is the nature of this world. What does it mean practically to seek the self in chaos? I’ll give you a little picture from my own vantage.

I’m currently on full lockdown. I haven’t stepped outside my building in exactly a week. That was for a 15 minute walk with my wife, Radha Bhakti, across the street around Court Square Park. Before that, it was many days I’d been holed away. We order all our groceries online now and we wipe them down with a patently rigorous routine. We disinfect doorknobs and keys and hands and bag-handles and clothes and anything we can cleverly think up. I can’t remember the last time I spoke to someone in the flesh other than my wife, without a barrier between us.

I understand this to be the need of the hour now, but it took a lot to get me there.

My first reaction was to pray for the Chinese and presume the disease likely won’t make it to our country. Then I thought the news to be sensationalist in terms of the implications on a global scale, and heard from doctor friends that it was something like a mountain out of a molehill. 

Then, an Upbuild workshop in Milan canceled. Then California was hit. Then Seattle. New York could be next. 

Suddenly, we didn’t board for Atlanta in a torrent of perplexity and emotions, with continuous debate that lasted from early morning till late night. Then a last hurrah to the Catskills for quality time with my wife, who had actually planned for it to be a surprise weekend in Paris; European travel, accommodations, and events all canceled. My hunger to understand grew. 

I read and read, careful about the sources. Italy became a tragedy on the world stage and a warning sign to every nation. I had horrific nightmares several nights in a row. It’s all a “true nightmare,” as a client expressed, after having to fire his entire staff and wind down 25 years worth of work and dreams. Our leaders stood and watched helplessly or heartlessly. I lived in fear, doing the best I could to navigate the tension of inner and outer worlds.

Researching like anything to the detriment of my soul’s need for positivity, I felt I crossed the hump when I came upon a very pragmatic, yet visionary piece my brother-in-law shared that went viral: Tomas Pueyo’s “The Hammer and The Dance.” Many insights and intuitions affirmed by this essay, questions answered, and action points underscored, I determined that from this point forward, I know what I need to know. I won’t barricade myself from media, as I have from physical proximity with others, but I will be extremely conscientious to curate what I take in and when. Knowledge will still come to bear, and I’m no one to reject what’s helpful in an ever-changing situation. 

But with my quest for understanding satisfied externally, the real work must now continue with all the more rigor internally. To not be swept away by the tide of time and all that goes on around us at any given moment, we need an anchor. When we are our true selves, we are not flung around by all of life’s unpredictable circumstances. The lesson for me keeps coming – I need to anchor much more to who I am, so I can better withstand the waves of the world and be a solid instrument in the service of others.

If we close off from vital information, we act foolishly. And if we open ourselves up to the onslaught of purportedly vital information, we act fearfully. Both are foreign to who we are deep down. No one wants to be foolish and no one wants to be fearful. We intuitively feel some vague sense – that’s not who I am. I should be solid, not wracked with fear. I should be intelligent, not prone to recklessness.

My own journey has been fraught with so much struggle trying to walk the line since the outset of this month. What I recognized is that I need to know what we’re up against. I need to know how to protect myself, and – most surreal – how to protect others from me. I need to understand reality as it stands presently to our limited perception. But I also need to understand that I – the real ‘I’ – don’t fit into this version of reality. No one does.

When There’s So Much to Lose, Let Us Not Lose Our Selves

All wisdom traditions share with us that the nature of the self is to be connected with other selves. “No man is an island.” We see we’re not the only subject in this world. The ego constantly sees everyone and everything as object. That’s all it knows to do. Sartre therefore talked about “The Look” as the core experience to everyone. The Look is what we all do to all that we see – objectify. We don’t know how to see another subject. Once we see, what we see is already outside of me. And it’s of lesser value to me. But the real me sees all living beings, including animals, as subjects. My selfish desires don’t dictate my vision. Nor does the capacity of the other.

When we are ourselves, we recognize that we’re all in this together. We cannot divorce ourselves from anyone else. We are all a unit. We see that every living being has intrinsic value, and that we are all made of the same stuff. We are all brothers and sisters on this planet. Our every thought, word, and deed must reflect this.

When we are ourselves, we can’t ignore that we are one family. We can’t imagine a life disconnected from reality. And reality means ultimate unity.

With so much selfishness and so much suffering, we owe it to the world to be our selves.

I learned from Rasanath’s wife, Vrin, that the new cliché is making its way: “When you can’t go outside, go inside.” And perhaps it’s a good sign. But that still can sound selfish or sentimental if we don’t define what it is to go within. We don’t want to be in our ivory towers pontificating on how this can be good for us while our health care professionals are out risking their lives every day to serve others. That would be ludicrous to the true self, who has a heart!

Crisis can catapult us closer to our real selves than we could have imagined, if our desire is strong, we’re receptive, and we ask the pivotal question: 

What is the real me?

The outside world will compete for our attention, but when we bring our attention to the self, we find tremendous strength. Imagine approaching the world with that strength of connection to who we are. Clear, grounded, and full of compassion, with an unstoppable spirit to serve others. That is what the self is made of, and only by becoming aware of who we are, keeping that vision with us, can we can step up to live it. That is what’s at stake.

Caring for the physical body is critical and urgent. We feel this deeply in a pandemic. But that does not heal the root of our suffering, and the body was made to end soon. The life of the self is the less perceptible, but equally urgent need.

The sacred text of the Bhagavad-Gita that first inspired our monastic lives as well as the work of Upbuild, continues to be our guiding light to this very day. And it makes the hidden reality of the self unmistakable.

“The soul can never be cut to pieces by any weapon, nor burned by fire, nor moistened by water, nor withered by the wind.”

-Bhagavad-Gita 2.23

In other words, what we see of this body is not the full picture. As Socrates said when sentenced to drink the hemlock, “How can they kill me? First they have to find me.”

The body is a vehicle that transports the driver – the self, or the soul – in this lifetime. We must take good care of that vehicle, but when we mistake the vehicle for the driver, that is a wild travesty!

When we spend all our time and all our mental and emotional energy worrying and planning for and identifying with the vehicle, and we neglect the driver, the loss here cannot be emphasized enough. The soul longs for contact. The soul longs to be received. To be freed from the imprisonment of the ego. Eternally, not temporarily.

Unlocking the Strength of the Self

The attempt to reach our true self, the soul, gets instantly shrouded every time we focus exclusively on the ephemeral world of the mind and body. The information we take in from outside affects our consciousness more than we know. It all reinforces identification with the ego – the persona of who we think we should be, linked to the mind and body. That’s the hall of mirrors that is our world. It makes the soul a myth.

For example, now that we are in our “new normal,” many people have found their sense of self to be shaken, because the very things they identify with are being taken away from them, well beyond their control. Jobs are being lost, wealth reduced, prestige and status becoming irrelevant, sickness and death thrust in our faces brutally. And the fear… 

This is not only a health crisis, an economic crisis, and emotional crisis – it’s an identity crisis.  

There’s so much anxiety. Naturally. It’s in the ether, and it’s in our hearts. Because I’m identified with something temporary that will come to an end. Painfully, no matter how we slice it. And it’s so foreign for the self to think of an end to selfhood. It doesn’t make sense.

Our anxiety clouds clarity and contentment. It impairs our perception and action, even by the standards of the external world, what to speak of spiritually. We need the right amount of fear to be responsible, but when we’re responsible, we don’t need to fear. 

Living the Life of the Soul

What’s instructive about Covid-19 is that it presents us unavoidably with the sufferings of this world that we do everything to avoid, ignore, shut out. Why? Because it’s fearful, and that interferes with our pursuit of happiness. It confronts us with the crying of humanity in a way that makes it difficult to turn away. It creates compassion in those who truly stare it in the eye. And it reveals the nature of the world around us, which is ruthless, and will be so, because there is always misfortune and death. 

The more we stay present to the pain of the world, the more we’re compelled to seek answers. When we recognize suffering to be existential – it calls our very existence into question. Hence that pivotal question – What is the real me? I must know… Who am I? Why am I here? How am I related to the outside world? Am I my mind and body with which I currently identify?

Mistaking the self for the mind and body is the cause of all anxiety and pain; those who identify with the self do not suffer, even in situations of deepest pain and loss. Those who identify with the self give up fear. Saints and sages throughout the ages have been sharing this lesson through their own realization. My guru’s guru, Srila Prabhupada, was once asked by a reporter what is the experience of self-realization. In a word, he said, “fearlessness.”

After suffering a slew of near-death experiences and horrid reversals, this was not theoretical for him.** There are countless examples in history.

Srivasa Thakura was a self-realized soul in medieval India, threatened with torture and death for reciting sacred mantras against the orders of a totalitarian dictatorship. He marched through the streets of Bengal with hundreds of thousands who followed his lead. And he selflessly shared his mantras for the awakening of all to self-realization. Even thieves, who went out just to steal from the homes of the marchers, became enchanted by the purity they felt all around them. They joined the march. Spiritual sound billowed throughout the town and inspired countless persons to reconnect with the self. In a time of terror, people felt free. Completely and lastingly. Srivasa Thakura walked through his own fear to offer fearlessness to others, just as Srila Prabhupada did. They sought only to serve others, both physically and spiritually.

What happens when we identify, not with the mind and body – the ego mechanism, the vehicle – but with the driver, the self? What happens when we engage with the world from that place? 

It’s the most powerful thing we can do. By seeing everyone as subjects, we make all others feel understood. This is the greatest service, the burning human need. And we do so at the level of the soul. Where people are seen and felt, in a dramatically different way than they’re used to, or even knew they needed. We perpetually step into the shoes of others, feeling for them. Unfathomably connected as divine family. And when attuned, everyone can receive the unspoken embrace of our spiritual vision. It’s something I’ve experienced as a recipient of the love of great souls, and it has fundamentally changed me. It awakened in me a heartfelt desire to reach the self. It spurred my passionate entry into a monastery. It led to the creation of Upbuild, in order for us to try to repay the matchless gift which we can never actually do justice to.

And we cannot be of that service to others until we look after our real selves – through study of the self, meditation, and association with like-minded people. It is not selfish to look after our real selves – because only then can we be of greatest service to others, which is more needed today than perhaps ever before in our lifetimes. To go beyond the world of fear. 

If we’re not in touch with the fear, think what it would be if our conditions changed. If we lost our job, our money, our prestige, our love, our health, or our life. Everything is vulnerable in this world. And everything ultimately breaks. The fear is simply being present to this fact. 

It’s fearsome now or fearsome later. There’s never a time without danger to ourselves and our loved ones. It only takes presence to feel that fear. But the fear keeps brewing in our unconscious. Constantly. With varying effects on our lives. See Ernest Becker’s The Denial of Death, and all the work of Freud that is one massive exposé on the fragility of the human condition, outside our recognition, but affecting every one of us – severely).

So to best serve others in a world of fear, we must seek the strength of the self. Before a flight, we’re told that in the event of a change in cabin pressure, we must put on our oxygen mask before assisting another. It feels selfish and maybe even counterintuitive, but it is paramount to our very survival. 

A driver must take care of her car, but if she doesn’t take care of herself, she won’t be able to drive the car – which is a vehicle to get her to her desired destination.

We must cater to the soul (the driver) more urgently than the body (the vehicle) to reach our desired destination – self-realization. When we do that, we become our selves. We become para duhkha duhkhi, the Sanskrit term for someone who becomes happy at the happiness of others and miserable at the misery of others. So heartfelt, so connected, so empathic and compassionate. Simply desiring to serve, seeing we are all brothers and sisters here.

Even as we go through the complexities of this life, with the world that pulls us outward into its immediate demands, impositions, necessities, and fears, we can connect with who we are, and engage from there. 

What is the step we can take? We need a spiritual vision. To see ourselves and all others as our selves. Souls. To have, at heart, the desire to lovingly serve all souls as family on this planet. 

And how do we keep fresh and sharpen that spiritual vision? Through practice. If you develop a daily practice, you cannot lose sight of what’s most important. You cannot lose yourself, as we do throughout our day-to-day. For you always come right back to who you are. And that transforms a person over the course of time. Beyond our wildest imagination… This I share from my world of conviction, and from my own personal experience, though I’ve only reached a fraction of the potential therein.

Jesus taught us to be in this world, but not of it. That’s a tall order. And one I fail at miserably. But because we miss the target doesn’t mean we should cease to take aim or give up our shooting altogether. That is selling ourselves short to no end.

In our Bhagavad-Gita classes, we screen the film The Shawshank Redemption as a metaphor to illustrate principles of the sacred text. There’s one particularly poignant scene we use as an analogy for what can be achieved internally, in the face of utmost adversity: 

The protagonist in a prison, Andy Dufresne (played by Tim Robbins), comes out of solitary confinement. And somehow, he’s miraculously cheerful. After undergoing the cruelest experience, which the United Nations Committee Against Torture claims is unacceptable, the other inmates around him are shocked. It’s as if he’s lost his mind. He can’t fit into their world. He exists among them in prison, undergoing the same terrible experiences, but his being is fundamentally different. He shares with them at this moment, “There’s something inside that they can’t get to... They can’t touch... It’s yours.” 

That is the hope we dare to cultivate. It comes only through repeated genuine connection with the self. Through practice. Every day. Come what may.

So let us remember who we are now, and serve all souls with all our hearts. Let us make a commitment to our selves that we will practice connecting with this sacred vision that calls us. By spiritual practice, we overcome identification with the ego by constant reinforcement of being who we are – the soul. The more we live in that space, the more it becomes us, and the more others are touched by our vision of reality.

There are innumerable ways to develop a practice of living the soul-life, and there is no time to waste in so doing! We must continually strengthen our practice. If there’s one thing this new strain of corona is meant to teach, it’s to not waste another moment. Let us close with one potent spiritual practice together.

The following is a set of compassion prayers from India that are thousands of years old, spoken by many self-realized souls. Since this crisis began, we’ve been offering these prayers as an Upbuild Team each time we come together. Radha Bhakti and I have been doing so as well for some years. But if, like me up to my early 20s, you don’t believe or have confidence there’s someone to receive such prayers, the nature of positive intent is that your own consciousness receives it, transforms your thinking, your being, and affects others subtly, but very deeply... I see this time and again in my own life.

Finally, thank you so much for considering this plea to break free from the world of ego and invest in the self. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to work through my own dilemma and endeavor to make spiritual advancement in this writing. I’m praying with my whole heart that, by some grace, this impassioned plea may become a precious gift for you too. It is coming from all the wise and loving souls who have affected me, so anything good that comes is only to their credit.

Sincerely,

Hari Prasada Das

**Age 69, onboard a cargo ship from India to the U.S., he was struck with two heart attacks and understood it was a miracle he somehow survived. He was gored by a bull, plagued with a stroke, violently attacked by a drug addict, victim of thievery for a sacred manuscript that was his only possession and life’s work. He walked the streets of the Bowery in New York City alone and penniless, not knowing anyone, not knowing the culture, checking periodically to see when would be the next boat back to his home of India that he missed so dearly. But with the determination to spread the fearless life of the soul worldwide, he soon succeeded in a manner unprecedented. With centers that span the globe and books that sold in many millions – he became author of the best-selling Bhagavad-Gita translation and commentary to date. He continued to translate with crystal clarity and determination on his deathbed when the doctors said his body felt it was on fire.

Compassion Prayers

May all be happy!

May everyone be free of diseases!

May everyone see all good everywhere!

May there be no distress for anyone!

Let there be auspiciousness for the universe.

May the wicked be pleased, not angry!

May all beings together meditate intelligently on cooperation!

May the mind become free of attachment!

May our minds without motivation be absorbed in the Supreme Lord!

May the entire Universe be blessed with peace and hope.

May everyone, driven by envy and enmity, become pacified and  reconciled.

May all living beings develop abiding concern for the welfare of others.

May our own hearts and minds be filled with purity and serenity.

May all these blessings flow naturally from this supreme benediction: 

May our attention become spontaneously absorbed in the rapture of pure love unto the transcendent Lord.

A Takeaway for 2019: Challenge of Solitude

My dear Upbuild community,

I wrote to you last year of the blur that is this life and the inability to manage through all the madness of it, save for a solitary aspiration urged on by my guru – to create space between myself and my experience of life. As yet another year comes to a close and a new one makes its hurried way, I find unsurprisingly that the very same problem persists! In my defense, I had shared that it’s a life-long project to make progress at separating myself from my experiences!
 
Sometimes I wonder if I’m making any progress at all… In my best moments, I know and can see with clarity how far I’ve come and where I’m headed – toward the life of the true self. In the rest of the moments, I feel I can’t really see at all, for the ego is blind and the self still awaits discovery.
 
I’m trying and I’m failing, as my guru’s guru, Srila Prabhupada, would say in his own humble prayers. I’m trying and I’m failing… If you are ever feeling this way too, please know that you are not alone.
 
But should we just throw in the towel? To realize our self is too difficult? Too ethereal? Too impractical? Or not enough fun? Should we lower our lofty expectations and simply work hard for our tangible material aspirations? When it comes to transcendent possibilities, are we better to live as Kim desperately and depressedly proposes after being displaced from his home upon a terrible sewage flood in the Korean film, Parasite:
 
“You know what kind of plan never fails? No plan. No plan at all. You know why? Because life cannot be planned. Look around you. Did you think these people made a plan to sleep in the sports hall with you? But here we are now, sleeping together on the floor. So, there's no need for a plan. You can't go wrong with no plans. We don't need to make a plan for anything. It doesn't matter what will happen next…”
 
Nobody plans to get divorced when they marry. Nobody plans to do a dead-end job for the rest of their lives. Nobody plans the unfortunate happenings that come of their own power. And life can really feel like a flood of unplanned experiences that displace us from our real self, mostly because there’s truth to this! So what can be done if we don’t want to resign our self to mediocrity and entropy?
 
There are many things which yet give me hope. I will outline three of them here with the aim that you can feel this hope too and deeply invest it. We’ll briefly touch on the first two and spend the fullest extent of our time here on the third.
 
Firstly, the fact that you who are reading this exist and care is hugely hope-giving to me personally! I don’t know what I’d do with myself if you were not here on this lonely little planet with me. I am so moved to have met you, those whom I know, and I think about you with heartfelt prayers more than you know. I really miss you when time does its expert job of creating constraints… Those whom I don’t know, I wish to know you, and even if that’s not meant to be in this life, I am so grateful for the medium of self-work that puts us in connection on a much deeper, and more important level than the limited realm of physicality. Thank you each for being with me on this path and for your sincerity which motivates me and touches others, especially the more you are in contact with working on yourself and supported by persons of the same rare spirit.
 
Secondly, I’ve found that documenting my own realizations gives not only the feeling of progress but evidences the reality of it. I’ve been blessed this year to have gained numerous insights that mean the world to me and which I’ve tried to capture the best I could in writing. That becomes my solace amidst the inevitable storms. It’s my light at the end of the tunnel because I know there’s much much more where these gems of clarity came from! Something so simple as taking a moment to reflect and being receptive can make all the difference. We will do well to incessantly ask the question – what am I meant to learn from the experiences of life (that are not me but are teaching me)?
 
This leads us to our third hope-giving anchor. In spite of my best efforts to realize my self as separate from the temporary phenomena of this world not yet yielding the ripened fruit, and in spite of my increasing fear of aging as time relentlessly pushes forward (which I’ll perhaps share more about another time), something else lives in me as of late. Just the other day, I caught myself indulging in some giddiness about a prospect that I wish to share with you as my main takeaway here for 2019. That is the idea of retreat.
 
My guru, Sacinandana Maharaja, writes in a beautiful essay entitled The Gifts of Retreat:
 
When withdrawing into solitude and silence, one can encounter the greater person within, who is far superior to the forever insecure small person we know so well, always struggling for ego-centered gains. In spiritual practice, one can nourish that "greater person" - the soul - and make it strong so that it reaches beyond all limitations into the world of the spirit. When one returns from such inner depths, he or she has changed. Now, such a changed person brings the sacred world with him or her into daily life; occupied in "busy leisure" and resting in "tranquil activity," as one monk from my neighbouring monastery expressed. With such spiritual empowerment, things seem to happen on their own accord, or by the strength of a different orchestrator…Almost effortlessly, one is in the flow.
 
Every year, I endeavor to create a little barrier between the year that leaves us and the year that knocks on our door afresh. I aim to spend more time cultivating the inner life and leaving the outer life for later. I have had varying levels of success here (mostly mild!), despite the nice intention. But something new came over me recently. I recognized that I have an opportunity to actually carve out time if I truly value it enough – in other words, that it’s possible. And then I recognized that it’s essential.
 
Our partner, Vipin, inspired me by the way he planned his sabbatical this summer, and the effects it had on him were quite encouraging. To close off email for six weeks and head into nature with the aim of rejuvenation helped set a cultural precedent for us at Upbuild. I always face too much guilt and fear to make good on my cravings to get away from the day to day.
 
By some special grace, from time to time, I have the privilege to study with my guru, visit sacred places, and get quality time with my wife. I eagerly seize these whenever and however possible, as each are tremendously nourishing and much needed. To date, they’ve also always been tremendously fast-paced! What I’ve really sorely missed – even neglected – is the time in solitude.
 
While I was sitting for my morning meditation the other day, it came to me, that I must rekindle that flame of solitude, and answer the call I feel from within. It spoke loudly and clearly. So I sheepishly began to investigate the possibility, afraid of shirking any responsibility or distancing, much less abandoning, those I love.
 
I was grateful to meet with support on all sides and the sense that a path is being paved for this crucial time to manifest. The giddiness grew in me as I began to think about making this an annual tradition. Renewal must be renewed regularly!
 
I really wish to make good on this and I share with you to hold myself accountable, as well as to ardently invite you to join me in going within. I can’t think of anything more valuable than to seek the treasures that are not made of matter and do not disappear with all the fleeting phenomena, including our own bodies and minds. There’s so much at stake we miss when we make the mistake of seeing only with our eyes.
 
In this vein, I have grand plans to return to the most wonderful monastic habits of awakening before dawn for my morning meditation and spiritual reading. Catching up on backlogs of messages and to dos that embarrass me. Reading my realizations from the year that’s passed and many other years past. Writing new realizations that have been yearning to be written without the time or space to offer them a safe passageway onto the page. And much much more.
 
Why should I let backlogs into my sacred retreat? Ideally, I would not! But then ideally I would also not have them! And while they continue to pursue me, I want to honor them and serve from a peaceful state of consciousness, in closer touch with the self by dint of spiritual absorption. I can never think that people’s messages don’t matter or are low priority. I never wish for my own feebleness and inabilities to come at the cost of anyone else who has reached out or who I could perhaps somehow benefit. Therefore, I am always pursued by the backlogs of what’s left undone. And I truly hope to live freer by addressing them if that’s at all possible. And I pray that this is just the beginning. In coming years, I may get better at keeping full focus on my solitary service.
 
I also know to keep my expectations in check because things don’t typically go as planned (established earlier by our movie character, Kim!). I must try my best but be happy with what I can offer in this sincere endeavor towards solitude.
 
In future years, it can also help to go away, but this year, I start small, realistic, and with another objective. I love the idea of living my best life in the place where I actually live… Imagine living so connected with yourself, with your best habits that you can muster, and your inner wealth firmly developing, all in the place where you always reside. Suddenly, what could be as day to day snaps into focus, and not merely some wild yearly anomaly.
 
Already, I’m hearing from others, “I should do the same!” That warms my heart. We have a direct impact on one another by how we show up, usually far more than we consider. And what could be more important than investing in the real me, beyond my usual ego thoughts and habits? Why not carve out the time to cultivate the self? Offering that to yourself is the greatest gift. But you’ll also be offering it to everyone in your life by how you show up nourished from within and by how you set an example.
 
May 2020 serve as a launching pad for a life possessed of purpose – not just the buzzy word we hear about constantly now, but the purpose of the self that eagerly awaits us in silence. 
 
I want to wish you the most wonderful close to 2019, opening to 2020, and gateway to a lifetime of joyful realization in utmost hopeful enthusiasm! I will close with the fitting words of my guru:

In the beginning, being in solitude can be a daunting challenge. At first, we miss the excitement of our busy lives. But if we persist, our heart turns into a vibrant temple…

A Takeaway for 2018: Creating Space Between Ourselves and Our Experiences

The years keep getting faster. At Upbuild, we’ve gotten to know so many wonderful souls who we become very attached to. In our workshops, the way people open up and show themselves is so precious, it’s very difficult for us to just go back to our lives and not keep the company of such exceptional persons. We live to see this work continue and we love to witness the ongoing strides of those we become invested in. And as the year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting and missing everyone we’ve met, as is my custom throughout the year, but especially in retrospect.

I pray each of you are well, keeping this transformative work alive and personalized. For us, every time we put on an event, it inspires and even forces us to be accountable to the work we’re trying to share. That’s a huge boon! Of course, we also have our personal practices which are vital for us to never stop growing.

So in looking back on 2018, I see first the faces of you who move us to do what we’re doing at Upbuild. Then I think of all the stress we’ve had to encounter along the way. It has been crazy and we feel ourselves to be maxed. Countless experiences that don’t go our way, personal failings that humble me every day, and a sense of not having enough time or energy to meet natural expectations for the different roles I play. What a formidable challenge that’s ongoing!

I would say that nearly all of this comes from the place of just wishing I could do more, give more, and be better for the world I care about. I actually have too many good things going for me. I know Rasanath and Vipin feel the same. It’s a good problem to have, yet I’ve learned the hard way that even a good problem is still a problem… We’ll come back to this.

I see we’ve been able to develop significant new workshops and experiences that I’m so proud of. I’ve written works yet to be released and shared from my heart the best I could this year. We’ve partnered with a young artist and friend - Rukmini Poddar - who’s beautifully illustrated descriptions I’ve been writing to help people better understand themselves through the lens of the Enneagram. We’re hoping to do more together in 2019…

This year, I finally settled into married life with my wife who just moved last December from Toronto. That’s a huge landmark and one that’s taught me a lot about what it means to really be a partner to someone, day in and day out. It’s a constant source of support and a constant pushing to get to the next level of empathy and spirit of service. To see our differences, consider life from the standpoint of another, and look at my own life as affecting hers at all times, has offered me so much opportunity for growth. How she’s in turn impacted this community is a tremendous gift I’d been envisioning for years and which I can’t wait to see come to further and further fruition.

    Finally, in all that has struck me this year, there is one thing I keep close to my heart every day - an instruction from my guru. A few months back, he asked me for an urgent phone call related to some service I could do for him. He was at his home in Germany and I had just finished teaching our weekly Bhagavad-Gita class, Gita Direct, at our home in Long Island City. He wanted to have a personal word with me and I shared with him the good problem I have which is still a problem… As much as I love everything and everyone in it, I’m sadly not able to keep up with my life, I shared. He empathized in a way that touched me, and in a moment, offered me a lifelong aspiration:

Create space between yourself and your experience of life. That is the key.

In other words, you are not your experiences, you are not your stress, your challenges, shortcomings, or even your gifts and accomplishments. Just last night I told my wife, “If I get attached to the praises that come my way encouraging me in the work that I do, then I also unwittingly will be attached to the opposite.” When people say good things about me and I care so much about those good things said, then I will naturally care so much when they’re not said. When you get attached to the good, you must be prepared for its opposite.

It’s not that we are to remain callous or shut our hearts to the good and the bad of others. But what we need is to engage with safe distance from the ego identification with glory and the lack thereof. When I had an amazing workshop experience at our recent Working With Your Inner Critic, I needed to orient myself that it’s not about me. It’s not that I’m so good and I live through the glory of that experience. I am on a journey and I will have good experiences and bad. I am going to be happy and distressed. As the adage goes, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

What I need to gracefully move through this life is the orientation that I am not my experiences and they do not make me. I was myself even when I was an infant and had no experiences, believe it or not. That’s the same person I call me. But I am all the more myself today as I try to separate my self from the ego attachments that obscure the real me.

I visualize who I am at heart and I visualize that the heart really is the seat of identity. That there’s a spark of consciousness which lights up my body and mind. And I think of how that light can never be dimmed. No matter what.

Whether things are happy or rough, I do not cease to be. And I choose to identify with that me, rather than the constant flux of this world. When I identify with everything going on in life, there’s no stable ground. It’s always in motion, intense, overwhelming. I need that distance from the happenings without by identifying with the deepest self inside. Being in touch with the self within is the only way to the serenity we crave.

At the close of another year which feels like but a blur, this is what I felt deeply called to share with you. Let the blur of life not blur ourselves. Practice visualizing yourself within as having space from all the experiences, and even thoughts, that come moment to moment. Please also kindly bless me that I can do the same!

We must see ourselves, and know all these fleeting moments that keep coming in a constant onslaught do not encroach upon us! You are you. No matter what. What could be more valuable? Remind yourself of this, and strive not to be attached to the good or the bad which is bound to come. You are separate from the phenomenon of experiences. Imagine 2019 as your real self, spacious and free.

Our Nationwide Wake-Up Call

My Dear United States of America,

We've gotten our wake-up call. A nation obsessed with being the best and made up of rugged individuals striving to win doesn't work forever. There are serious repercussions. There are always losers. And in the end, we all lose. We lose ourselves.

I'm not happy with what is taking place around me. It's difficult to think about anything else. But I do sincerely pray, this is only what's needed to wake us up from our slumber. Our sense of false security. Our illusion that if our own quality of life is not terribly affected, then what happens out in the world is disconnected from us.

When our government is influenced by greedy lobbying powers who are apathetic to our potentially calamitous climate change and cater to corporate agendas that significantly benefit the 1% and violently disenfranchise large masses of the population... When our government regularly engages in mischief-making all over the world to spread democracy that turns into wars we engage in out of self-interest while we proclaim ourselves heroes of the world... When our government fails to see how much people are hurting but instead protects itself rather than the people it vows to protect and for which it exists in the first place... When we hail this sad state of government as by the people and for the people, something is absolutely upside-down. This is the "banality of evil." Right under our noses.

Can we somehow come to our senses? Can we give up our own greed that is systemic in our culture? We now are face-to-face with a leader who appears not to care for us, who has no history of governmental leadership but a rich history of lying, cheating, and stealing, while denouncing diversity. He threatens to put us in grave danger as he proclaims himself our ultimate protector. He inspires those who hate. If this alarm doesn't wake us, I don't know what will.

I didn't think I'd live in this world. I liked my own false sense of security, I guess. But I want to change. I want to see a population that is ready to rise up. I want to be part of not just a protest rally (I’ve done those before), but a deep inner rising. The rising of conscience. The rising of introspection. The rising of responsibility. And the rising of spirit.

I could easily be fueled by my anger about the incidents of harassment that keep popping up across the country. And I know what it is to be harassed for my spiritual tradition. When I was a monk, I distributed sacred literature on the streets and subways of New York. I hated feeling ignored, as I understand now a vast proportion of this country feels. I remember vividly how years ago in front of the Dean and Deluca on Prince and Broadway, I offered a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita to a man. With ice-cold eyes, he turned to me and said, “Are you kidding me? I kill people for less than what you’re doing.” Another time, I was on the platform of the Broadway-Lafayette subway stop and innocently greeted a man. He suddenly screamed obscenities at me with such venom that I feared for my life.

I never forgot the looks of these men. It was the closest I’ve come to being the butt of pure hatred. And it haunted me. In the past, I’d have reacted with rage. A boy once made fun of me when I was on vacation with my parents in New Hampshire. He called me names and insulted my masculinity. I promptly fantasized about pummeling him; instead, I settled on writing a story about our fictional altercation where I would strip him of all self-worth through the wit of my words. I hadn’t been made fun of many times, but any time it happened or I felt something unfair, my mind would go to crushing the other person, either physically or intellectually.

By the time I met these two frighteningly hateful people in New York City, my values had shifted. Being a humble servant of society in monastic garb goes a long way… We were taught to be welfare workers for people who would not see any need, who would ignore us, and make us feel lesser. But we had to feel for them and not worry about our feeling lowly. We even had to embrace feeling lowly to begin to let our egos leave us and become truly selfless. It’s further taught me the essential truth that we can all let go of our vindictiveness. We have this choice. It’s accessible. More so than we think.

The key to this powerful freedom – a freedom where no one can control us – is in identifying our own ego. Our ego? But we’re the victims! To experience freedom, I had to actually not feel that I was better than the person who threatened me on the street or in the subway. It’s the very reason we’re in the stark situation of this nation. We think we’re better than other people. Consciously or unconsciously. And people don’t like that. It’s also not true.

But how to realize this? I genuinely thought throughout my life that I was better than most people I met, and obviously better than those who caused me pain or caused anyone else pain. The truth is, if I introspect, I can see I’ve done a lot to hurt others as well. Moreover, I have incredible potential to do worse... I choose to resist that potential. But I can feel how if not for the fortune of having resources and care all my life, I wouldn’t be fit or even want to resist my darker potential. It’s very clear to me that those who don’t have the fortune, knowledge, or love to resist their baser urges are not worse than we are. They’re worthy of compassion. They're suffering terribly and that's all they have to give to others. Suffering.

Today, instead of feeling anger at the state of our nation, I can see my own humanity and the humanity of my fellow-pain-givers that make up our world. What can I really do to help? Vow to stop giving pain the best I can. Be proactive, not reactive. Don’t indulge in hatred or fear, even if I’m righteously upset or realistically frightened. Let a light shine within me without my thinking how bright a light I am.

As Gabor Mate shares at the end of his poignant TED Talk, “The Power of Addiction and The Addiction of Power,” it's high time we stopped looking for a leader to set things right for our world. To get to the position of influence our leaders wield most often requires exceptional hunger for power and exceptional willingness to compromise on values. It’s up to us to become responsible and not shift the responsibility to someone above. We must set the example…

An external act or policy will come and go. A change from within will never leave. May we act on our best desires and rise up in a way that has immediate and lasting impact.

How will you let go of the brewing pain and anger? How will you think wisely and act compassionately? What will you do for the people who cross your path, friendly or otherwise? And what will you not do to further fuel the divide in our country?

One Moment of Empathy

I was walking up the stairs from the F train platform at 2nd Ave., when a young woman skirted down past the throngs of us ascending.

As she squeezed by, I promptly heard a guttural “Ugggh!” and saw exactly the face I imagined to accompany.

The woman brushed by this commuter turned around to face the rushing culprit who’d just invaded her sacred space.

And she evidently wanted to ensure that the offender was not in too much of a rush to see the full extent of her facial wrath, in case she could have possibly missed the auditory displeasure.

At that time, I felt an ache in my heart.

Could we not have one moment of empathy?

Who has not been in the situation of great pressure in needing to catch a train?

When the train is about to leave the station, the urge grips you to make a run for it.

When others are obstructing your path to making that train, it’s every bit as aggravating as being bumped in the process.

The hurried woman who made the bump was not particularly tactful, agreed.

But if we were to put ourselves in her shoes for but a moment, it would be difficult to download our frustration onto her and twist the proverbial knife.

Moreover, our hurried woman did not strike me as carrying an apathetic air, but rather a sympathetic air, which truly takes a moment of presence to perceive.

Later that night, over dinner with Rasanath and another friend, I shared my experience from the subway – it still bothered me…

I expressed the idea of a moment’s empathy and gained the following response from our friend:

“You see, that’s why you’re ENLIGHTENED and others are not!”

Hardly, I replied, I simply try.

And this is really doable!

Then another friend ran into us and sat for a little while.

Without the context of our conversation, she proceeded to unapologetically declare:

“I just go ahead and shove people in the subway…whoever stands in my way…”

She said she did so today…

Rasanath and I both looked at each other and laughter took over us.

It was almost mystical!

She spontaneously needed to get the pressing issue off of her chest…

But because the lady is a wonderful soul, I could empathize with the side of frustration too.

And certainly, I have my myriad failings on the empathy front.

When we’re in need, we don’t have the emotional space to consider the needs of the other.

I rigorously endeavor to create that space for the natural empathy which flows between conscious compatriots on this planet.

And at the close of the day, I could only wish that we would not miss what’s really at stake when we invest in but a moment of empathy or what’s really at stake when we don’t…

Our world is made up of these little gaps in empathy that grow into gulfs.

These tiny gaps that rapidly morph into gulfs are the root of our universal sufferings.

And suffering only breeds more suffering in this way.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

When we empathize, we experience compassion, the soothing balm of receiving and being received.

Compassion comes from the Latin – ‘Com’ meaning ‘with’ and ‘passion’ meaning suffering.

Compassion, etymologically, means ‘to suffer with.’

And that suffering together is actually healing.

When we’re heard and understood, but most of all felt, we heal.

We all suffer less, when we suffer with.

And it diffuses the frustration of others as well as ourselves.

It bridges the gaps between us.

Can we afford to spare but a moment of empathy?

At the very least, we must ask, what is the price of our not doing so?

It’s not unnatural to empathize.

It just requires that we give ourselves a moment to understand situations and people.

A moment.

The Commonality of Duality

This evening’s special feature of the F train was a brand new makeshift diaper-changing station.

A young-looking woman and an older-looking woman were partnering up to take care of three babies with two strollers.

On the knee of the young-looking woman was a miniature buttocks, smooth as silk.

The usual makeshift eating stations were disturbed by the sharply competing aroma.

Most people did not wish to observe the hijinks on the diaper-changing side of the F.

And innovative as it was, I confess that I wondered about the hygiene of such a situation.

Feeling most sorry for the little kid who, unbeknownst, became the spectacle to a dozen strangers, I sat down with an unwitting front-row seat to process the entire scene at hand.

Just as soon as I’d landed on the bench-style seat, I suddenly heard the young woman cry, “You mind your own business!!”

I became highly self-conscious.

Quickly glancing at her to determine the target of her exclamation, I was exceedingly careful not to make eye contact.

Relieved it was not me being fired at, I witnessed her proceed to bawl out one of my unfortunate neighbors.

Then I looked up at the sign above me that flashed freshly:

“If you see something, say something…”

I felt this to be fantastically apropos!

Nevertheless, I would decidedly not say something!

Then a woman entered the train begging for money.

“I’m hungry,” she creaked.

The two women with the baby-care subway innovations appeared rather under-privileged to my eye in spite of the plastic bags with recent purchases for the children.

Yet, I had this instinctual reaction that as soon as the homeless woman would pass them by, I could foretell they would be the ones to donate to her cause.

And this is precisely what took place.

In fact, I did not see any other donations offered.

I did not offer anything myself, though my heart went out to the lady.

And as she said, “God bless you” to the potentially underprivileged donors, I thought I could perceive God’s blessing upon them along with the unique situation of all souls, shrouded in layers upon layers of duality.

In such a world, we all must sort through that deep mire of duality and successfully navigate the paradoxes and complexities to the best of our abilities at each passing moment of each passing day.

Humbled, I prayed to earn the wisdom to walk this path nobly, for to pretend the world exists in black and white is to miss out on all the splendid color…

I Just Want to Have A Moment with My “Miracle Mouthwash”!

On assignment for my mentor, I marched determinedly through the West Village avenues, having performed the full crosstown commute on foot.

It was 9 a.m. and the streets were barren in the calm after the storm of another Friday night in Manhattan.

The mission: Seize and send a “Miracle Mouthwash” overseas…

It is apparently difficult to procure a bottle of the apparently covetous Uncle Harry’s hygienic product outside its native home of the brave…

According to my rough calculation, only one store in the city carries the mouthwash, and that’s precisely where I was headed! I was delighted to be of simple service for someone who has done more for me than I can hope to repay.

I just wished I’d slept a little sounder the night before and had a little more free time at my fingertips.

As I entered the Elm Health Chelsea location, I was overcome with a sense of existential dread.

Running a startup doesn’t treat monastic practices kindly, I’ve come to realize… Since leaving the monastery and aspiring to carry its work to the outside world the best I can, I’ve noticed my sacred habits are hard to uphold.

Not that they were ever easy, but just more within control via the freedom to make them the focal point.

Now, when I need it most, life has a way of getting the best of my meditation… Within the aisles of the matchless grocery store, my meditation sustained from the morning… There was an old sadhu who used to chant his mantras in the blaring streets of Bombay.

When asked why, he would say, “if I can concentrate here, I can concentrate anywhere.” Hardcore training.

I always loved that! However, for me, practicality played a significantly more prominent role…

To study under the swami I was preparing to send a bottle of Uncle Harry, 16 rounds a day of meditation on beads is the standard of seriousness.

That’s about two hours, depending on your pace.

Needless to say, it’s a challenge to find two hours in this day and age in “the capital of the world” (as coined on the official website of New York City!).

Where does the time go? I’d been doggedly trying to stabilize my sadhana – Sanskrit for practices – ever since I started on my path.

For three years, I’d managed to awaken daily before the crack of dawn for my meditation and more sacred luxuries that become necessities when you experience the benefits.

Today, I aim for 6.

If I get there, it’s phenomenal! Today, I didn’t get there… Feeling like a failure, while facing the tooth powders, I took a moment for my mantras.

I finished my round and then I stopped.

In some kind of twilight between meditation and returning to the world of the weighty, I heard the Simple Minds sing their song – the only one that anyone I know knows despite their successful touring, accompanied by, imaginably: other songs.

It was a live version.

And as it faded away with the crowd “La da da da-ing” like mad, I thought to myself, “I want to have ‘a moment’!” You know, like in the movies! Where it’s really “a moment”…

And it’s magical.

Times Square disappeared its people for Tom Cruise! That kind of “moment”! I needed it… On the verge of its impending manifestation – I could feel it in my bones – a gentle instrumental of strings and piano gradually graced my ears with its elegance.

I was shocked.

From trying to get a girl to remember your name as you walk on by to an orchestral piece of celestial merit was something rather unexpected, to say the least.

I smiled alone in the aisle.

Standing before the Miracle Mouthwash that returned my gaze, I suddenly realized that Uncle Harry wasn’t the only one watching.

In the emptiness of an ungodly New York hour, one middle-aged woman managed to walk in on my “moment”! I don’t think she knew what she was stumbling upon, but it made me move on nonetheless… I hastily grabbed the mouthwash and got the juice-master to take off one of his gloves to ring me up at the counter.

Before I went off to the Post Office with the gift of gargle, I pondered the meaning of the “moment”.

What are we looking for out of life? And is it the same as what we purport to look for? I think what I was after was a feeling of presence again.

To finally feel like I’m really here, as my full self, even at a supermarket, and I’m not alone, though I’m solitary.

Perhaps that’s what each of us seeks in our respective ways and with varying degrees of success.

I hope my meditation and spirit of service will guide me to that place where I visit regularly but have not yet been able to pay the price to stay.