The Oldest Profession in the World
I have this unattractive tendency that when you ask me how I am doing, I try to sell you something. The words that come out of my mouth, when prompted with that question, vary based on a gazillion factors, but the thing I am trying to sell is always the same: myself.
Hey Michael. How are you?
“Good, a really cool startup just hired us to do some consulting work, so I’ve been super busy with that.”
Hey Michael. How are you?
“Good, I just did a meditation retreat so I am feeling particularly zen.”
Hey Michael. How are you?
“Good, Covid cases have been super low in Japan, and the weather is amazing here during the winter.”
Hey Michael. How are you?
“Well, it’s been a rough few weeks for our country, so I am just trying to get through it like everyone else.”
Sometimes it is subtle, sometimes it is not so subtle, but the “sales pitch” behind the message is very different from the message at face value. When I am telling you that a startup has just hired us and that I am busy, I am selling you on my professional abilities and my importance. When I tell you about the meditation retreat, I am selling you on my balanced lifestyle choices and spiritual propensities. When I tell you about the Covid cases and weather in Japan, I am selling you on my decision to live abroad. When I tell you that it’s been a rough few weeks for our country and that I’m just trying to get through it like everyone else, I am selling you simultaneously on my political awareness and self-awareness.
And just like in the marketing world, it is very rare that the seller actually has the buyer’s interest as a priority. When I tell you about the meditation retreat, for example, I am not doing it for your benefit. Although I might say something like “next time you have some time off, you should definitely check it out,” I am subtly telling you that you can be as great as me if you just follow in my footsteps. So when I answer the question in this way, I am really doing it in order to prove something about myself.
And when I say that I am trying “to prove something about myself,” this begs the question, which self are we talking about? This came up in a recent Upbuild podcast on Detangling Self-Worth From Achievement during which Rasanath suggested that when we are talking about self-worth, we are almost always talking about the egoic self. The egoic self is different than the true self in that in order for it to exist, it needs to be constantly proving itself. The true self, on the other hand, has nothing to prove.
So when I am selling you on myself, what I mean is that my ego is trying to prove its value. It does this because I am rarely in touch with my inherent value, which is based on core character qualities, and it is trying to fill the void from the feeling of not being enough by citing my achievements or something else for which you might validate me. It feels like how I choose to answer the question in that moment will determine who I am at my core. My identity is so tied to the choices that I have made, how I spend my time, and the degree to which I am achieving relative to others, that this question is often way more intense than it needs to be.
The other thing I often do when you ask me how I’m doing is say something extremely generic. Something like “Fine” or “Hanging in there” or “Surviving” (“Surviving” is definitely the most cringeworthy of the three). This is also the work of the ego, and the underlying motivation for responding this way falls into one of two categories.
The first is that I might be thinking that you can’t handle how I’m feeling, and rather than make you uncomfortable by telling you the truth, I just say something generic so you don’t have to grapple with how to respond. My ego tricks me into thinking that I am doing this for the benefit of you (our egos love to assure us that we are good people), but really what is happening is that my ego doesn’t want to lose control (our egos love control). If I am going to share my real feelings, my ego would want them to be received in a very specific way, and if they are not received in this way, it would be too painful (our egos love to feel comfortable and hate experiencing emotional pain). Generic reply begets generic reply, my ego reasons, so better to stick with that and then we can move on to the business at hand.
The other thing that happens even more frequently is that I actually have no clue HOW I am doing. As we share in our Enneagram workshops, the heart is where emotions come from, so in order for me to know how I am feeling, I would need to slow down and check in with my heart. But since my emotions get in the way of my powering through life, and thus get in the way of my ego feeling valuable, I rarely take time to check in with my heart. I am very good at knowing WHAT I am doing, but I am pretty terrible at knowing HOW I am doing.
If all this emotional drama sounds crazy, it is crazy. But unfortunately, this is such a common experience in life for me. When someone asks me to explain financial market derivatives or composition rules for photography, I don’t think twice about answering them. But when someone asks me how I’m doing (or “what’s up” or “what have you been up to”), it provokes me into a full-blown identity crisis.
So what can we do? As with all of our work, it comes down to awareness. We need to be aware of what is happening internally. We need to be aware of the needs of our ego. Although the specific needs of our ego will vary in intensity based on our personality types, our egos are all looking for some combination of feeling valuable, feeling in control, and feeling comfortable.
To bring awareness to our egos’ need to feel valuable, we can ask ourselves “what am I trying to prove to this person?”
To bring awareness to our egos’ need for control, we can ask ourselves “in this moment, what can I let go of?”
To bring awareness to our egos’ need to be comfortable, we can ask ourselves “what am I unwilling to feel?” (credit Tara Brach for this question)
While feeling valuable, having control, and being comfortable are not inherently problematic, what is problematic is that we, and others, miss out on the experience of our true selves when the ego is the driving force behind our actions. We miss out on the version of us that has nothing to prove, is humble enough to know that almost nothing is in our control, and is okay with the discomfort that results when we sincerely check in with those sensitive hearts of ours.
So the next time someone asks “how are you” or “what’s up” or really during any interaction with a fellow human being, let us take a second to bring awareness to the needs of the ego. Let us acknowledge it to ourselves, and when we have the courage, share it with others. And then, in spite of those needs, let us respond not from the ego, but from the true self, which has nothing to prove and nothing to sell.
