The Paradox of Humility
There has been a rising appreciation for humility in leadership circles. The concept of servant-leadership has been widely extolled, and its basis is in being a “humble” leader. In many of my coaching conversations, I hear leaders talk about developing humility because it will make them better leaders. Adam Grant, in his most recent book, Think Again — The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know, speaks extensively about confident humility in leadership. He strongly emphasizes the need for intellectual humility in leaders, and encourages them to develop a mindset of “rethinking”. All very genuinely helpful!
But the question that really creates the discontent for me is do we truly desire humility or do we desire what humility (or its projection!) can give us — more validation, more influence and more success? Therein lies all the difference.
Recently, I have come across several posts on social media where people talk about humility (and receive a lot of likes!) or post about them being “humbled” by the likes they have received. One of them read, and I paraphrase, “So deeply humbled by (famous person) and how he appreciated my interview. Thank you @(famous person)”. And then that post received a lot of likes, and the interview received an incredible amount of more views!
The origin of the word “humility” lies in the Latin root “humus”, which means, “soil”, “earth”, or “ground”. Humility is to feel like the soil or the earth — a place where we place our feet. Take a moment to notice how you feel or react when you read that statement. Did you feel inspired? Did you feel a need to change the definition of humility so that it can “feel” more appropriate? If you felt inspired, why?
Humility is to be in touch with ground reality, especially about who we truly are. The reason why this definition of humility is perhaps disconcerting is because it is completely antithetical to what our ego desires. At Upbuild, we define the ego as an identity that we think we should be, project outwards, and want to be validated for, rather than who we truly are. And by its very construct, the burden of humility is impossible for the ego to carry. In other words, there is absolutely no place for the ego in humility and vice-versa.
Thomas Merton, the Trappist monk, talks about humility as a self-protecting virtue. When we are truly humble, the ego can’t feel good about being humble! That is the paradox. The moment we say, “Oh, good! I am such a humble person…”, humility disappears. The only thing that humble people experience is full presence in and acceptance of ground reality. And that ground reality is many times not palatable to the ego.
Humility becomes the corridor for genuine empathy, love and deep wisdom for the world. When we are with people who are truly humble, we experience a depth of being and a sense that they are simply instruments for a higher purpose. Humility never announces itself! Nor does it even want to be noticed because it strives to be free from being appropriated by the ego. But others feel extraordinarily uplifted in the presence of such a humble person.
What the ego can do though is appropriate humility for its purposes. That “shadow” humility, as much as it may look like the real one, has one major flaw. It wants the recognition of being “humble” and relishes the recognition when it comes — in that quiet corner after everyone has left! Some of us may ask, “Well, what’s wrong with that? It still produces more good than not!” Very true! But here is the risk and a serious one.
As soon as the ego relishes the recognition, it will only want more! That is the ego’s nature. And before we know it, we will simply be a shell of humility that will choose to dilute the definition of humility itself, and everyone will feel its inauthenticity. Most will, unfortunately, choose to follow that example, because it is much easier than working towards true humility. As a society, we are already heading in this direction. Which is why it is important to ask the question — do we desire true humility or simply its projection?
True humility begins when the ego becomes ready to die. That journey is not an easy one, although it is a necessary one, if we are to ever realize who we are as separate from the ego and return to that ground reality. Humility is the reward for striving to walk the journey towards the real self, and is the only means to separate the real self from the ego. It is only when we strive to separate our true self from the ego’s stronghold, do we even begin to understand how trapped we are in our ego patterns. We begin to honestly acknowledge how mired we are in the insecurities of the ego, and in pursuit of the ego’s desires for validation. In that acknowledgement are the seeds of humility. In that humility is the freedom from our ego. Which is why humility is not cheap. It’s presence signifies actual freedom from the ego, which is never a small thing!
As C.S. Lewis so eloquently states in his book, The Problem Of Pain, “Humiliation comes before humility”. That “humiliation” is the clear recognition that the ego is always inadequate because it can never be our true self. We begin to call out (or call in!) the repeated patterns of our ego. Herein lies the true usage of tools like the Enneagram. As the ego learns to truly let go, we will begin to experience the dawning of humility. And when it gets recognized, it knows all too well what the ego’s game is, and does not indulge in it!
Sign up to receive our free Upbuild newsletter here