Intellectualizing vs. Feeling Deeply
As I begin my journey into the world of coaching, I can’t help but think this is an opportunity to reconnect with my emotions. But, to be honest, I am scared. I am scared not that I won’t be a decent coach. That may be true, but what I am scared of is that I don’t have enough capacity to truly feel deeply the pain and suffering of what others experience in their lives. I have a fear of failure in my emotional range...in being able to experience true empathy and compassion. In a life where I have been successful in different arenas, I can’t really say the same thing about the emotional arena.
Whether it be with good friends who might be going through a tough moment in their lives or with complete strangers who are less fortunate in terms of being able to afford life's necessities, it is often not my first or my natural instinct to feel their pain. And naturally, if I can’t feel their pain, it is almost impossible to be with their pain and be there for them emotionally in the way that they may need it. And I feel ashamed about this.
To be clear, true empathy is different than doing good for others and trying to make the world a better place. Taking action, being involved in philanthropy, and being a champion for the underserved, have always been important to me. Once a need is articulated, and I find myself with the motivation and resources to take it on, I am quick to serve others. But this is precisely not what I am talking about.
In fact, my fear of failure when it comes to my own empathy is only exacerbated by the fact that I do indeed "do good" in this world. How could I be a champion for those whom I have never met, but I often can’t meet the emotional needs of my close family and friends? Am I an emotional fraud? Do I have a heart of stone to be able to look someone in the eye and ask them to donate to a cause when I don’t feel the feelings at that exact moment that most people probably do when they are doing acts of kindness? Could I only be doing it to satisfy the needs of my own ego or to quench my thirst for external validation? Or am I just hoping to fake it until I make it? Maybe if I do enough good, I will start to feel the same feelings that most “good” people usually do? Yes, lots of cognitive dissonance and issues regarding identity going on here. My actions paint one picture of me. My internal feelings another. And it eats me up inside.
I would be too hard on myself if I said that I never experienced empathy. I do have my moments. When my proverbial cup is full (when I feel supported and loved and my ego has been validated), I can more easily feel what others are going through. During these moments, I really get it. I deeply feel it. And it is often from these fleeting moments that my longer lasting desire to serve comes from. After feeling the feeling once, even only if for a split second, I can “intellectualize” the feeling, “storing” and “preserving” it so I can talk about it and take action based on it. The feeling may be gone, but somehow, the inspiration remains.
It would represent a big step on my journey of emotional growth (and in my journey to become a coach) if I can somehow find a way to reconnect more frequently and more deeply with the original feelings that got me here in the first place.
So maybe that is what this coaching journey is all about. A chance to un-intellectualize and re-emotionalize my emotions. A chance to drop the ego, a chance to drop the talk about how much good we have done or might be able to do...a chance to finally be there with the people who need a smile and to be listened to more than anything else.
