Shame is a hard emotion to talk about because we feel shame about having shame. Rasanath and Michael break down this complex emotion by unpacking an experience of shame that Michael experienced brought on by a feeling of not being productive enough. They examine the root causes of shame, the problems that arise when we feel shame, and what it will take to reconnect with our hearts so that we can work through our shame in a healthy manner. They also look at the driving force behind ambition and how to know if ambition is being used as a coping mechanism for shame.

Podcast Hosts: Rasanath Das and Michael Sloyer

Highlights

• [3:10] The shame we feel about having shame

• [3:50] Michael’s experience of shame brought on by a lack of productivity

• [6:20] A realization that shame is something many of us feel all the time

• [7:20] Distinguishing when our ambition comes from a desire to achieve maximum potential vs. a mechanism to cope with shame

• [9:40] How shame comes from not experiencing our real value

• [12:00] Two problems that arise when we feel shame: a lack of connection with others and an overreaction to the shame (anger, pumping ourselves up, withdrawing, etc.)

• [15:00] Our imposter syndrome as a clue to how we are trying to be something that we are not

• [20:00] What holding our shame really means and how we can transform shame into humility

• [22:00] Shame can pull us toward narcissism in three different ways: the hero, the victim, or the villian. (a paradigm by psychologist Dr. Stephen Karpman in the 60s)

• [23:00] An example of how we often react to criticism by criticizing others

• [24:15] The psychology of the villian: "I am hurt, and so I am going to make you feel the same hurt."

• [26:50] How "tough guys" can benefit from using words like disappointed, sad, and lonely

• [28:30] Tearing up as an indication that we have reconnected with our hearts, which is an indication of aliveness

Quotes

• "To be able to say, 'I am having an experience of shame, and it feels like crap,' that is a big step." -Michael

• "There is shame about having shame. And so it is hard to even talk about this emotion." -Rasanath 

• "The problem wasn’t that I wasn’t productive enough. The problem was that I wasn't feeling enough in the first place."  -Michael

• "Shame is the ego not being able to live up to our true self." -Rasanath

• The ego - who we think we need to be - can never really live up to who we are. And so it has to manufacture something, which causes us to feel the drive towards overcompensation." -Rasanath