Do you find yourself getting agitated when someone posts flattering things about themselves on social media? Do you think (or talk) badly about the other person, feel badly about yourself, or find yourself not wanting to reach out to connect with that other person? In this episode, Hari interviews Michael about his article, "Our Unilateral Contracts." Michael introduces us to a framework that gives insight into how we hold people accountable to agreements that they never actually agreed to. When these unilateral contracts are broken, we experience a feeling of betrayal and punish others and/or ourselves. He shares a number of examples from his own life, including one he has with his wife about doing the dishes and another with the TSA about getting searched at airport security. Hari and Michael examine how we can use this framework to have better relationships, become less reactive, and ultimately act from the deepest part of who we are, rather than from the ego. 

Podcast Hosts: Michael Sloyer and Hari Prasada Das

Highlights

• [2:15] The definition of a unilateral contract 

• [3:10] Michael’s experience of getting agitated with his friend who posted an article about himself on social media 

• [5:10] The feeling of betrayal as an indicator of a unilateral contract  

• [8:40] Unilateral contracts we might have with a spouse about doing the dishes or taking care of the children 

• [11:00] Feelings of "not enough" and a sense of entitlement that can drive the creation of the contracts 

• [11:10] Dr Peter Attia's example of going through airport security and thinking "Do you know who I am?"

• [11:30] The unilateral contract many of us have with the TSA about being searched at airport security

• [12:20] The ways we punish others when they break our contracts

• [18:02] Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication framework and the distinction of needs versus strategies 

• [18:55] The difference between a request and a demand

• [21:00] The clarity and freedom we get from bilateral agreements 

• [23:30] Increasing trust by taking the ego out of the picture 

• [24:15] Michael’s example from his days as a trader at an investment bank of disguising a demand as a request  

• [29:00] The driving takeaway about unilateral contracts 

• [29:50[ Connecting to the deeper truths that we have worth independent of our success and that we are not entitled to anything except to serve 

• [31:40] A final exercise to discover your unilateral contracts

Quotes

• "It was that feeling of betrayal that led me to realize that I was holding them accountable to something they had never agreed to." - Michael Sloyer

• "What we are talking about with the unilateral contract is increasing trust by taking the ego out of it." - Hari Prasada Das

• "We have to connect to the deeper truth that we have worth independent of what other people think of us and the amount of success that we have." - Michael Sloyer

• “We can also connect to the deeper truth that we are not entitled to anything, except to serve." - Michael Sloyer