Our Desperation to Be Valuable

As coaches, we want to serve. We want to help. We want to make a difference. But sometimes, beneath all that, there is something more desperate at play: a deep “need” to be valuable.

This can show up in subtle ways. We start brainstorming solutions. We offer tools, frameworks, or advice too early. We interrupt silence. We chase insights. We want the session to go somewhere impressive, fast. Not because the client needs it, but because we do.

This desire to be valuable is normal. Most of us were trained to measure our worth by our usefulness, our intelligence, or our ability to perform. So when a client brings something murky or stagnant or painful, we feel pressure to do something that proves we are earning our keep, especially when we are charging meaningful fees for our coaching.

But that urgency can get in the way. The most transformative coaching doesn’t come from fixing or performing. It comes from presence. From trusting the client’s process. From being with them, not above them. From letting the silence breathe and allowing the truth to surface in its own time.

When we release the “need” to be valuable, we often become far more valuable.

Coaching application: In sessions this week, notice when you feel the urge to “add value.” Pause. See what happens if you stay with the client’s experience a little longer instead of reaching for a tool or insight.

Life application: Think of a relationship where you feel pressure to be helpful. Journal about the potential impact of prioritizing the long-term benefit of the other person, rather than your “need” to be helpful.

Relevant Upbuild content: [Podcast] The Trap of Defining My Value By What I Produce (Apple / Spotify)